So I was standing in line getting my groceries rung up at Palace Market today, and it came up to something like $75. Remember back about four months ago when I was counting change to see if I could buy food that day and going without so that I could afford something else almost more important? Yeah. Me too. So I handed the guy my card, calculating in my head how much I had in my bank account, which was, decidedly, on the right side of more than enough.
I got in my co-worker's car, and sat in silence most of the way home. My first thought was that in two pay periods I will have ten times the money I've had in my bank account at any one time in the last 29 years of my life. My second thought was a little bit of a tear jerking blast of pure gratitude. My life is, for the first time, full of abundance. And not fleeting abundance, but true, steady abundance. Anyone who says money can't buy happiness, has obviously never lived in poverty, because when you work your ass off and still can't pay all your bills, there's no time for feeding yourself well and no money to buy clothes that look good, no room for joy because the stress of making it day to day trumps out any other emotion.
Thinking all of this I stopped, and I said a little gratitude prayer:
Dear universe, Please don't let me forget what it felt like to be poor so that when my bank account has more money than I need I can be generous. Please don't let me forget what it felt like to be homeless and hungry, so that now, when I have a roof over my head and food in my belly, I remember to share it. Please let me remember illness, so that when I am as healthy as I am now, I remember that life is a precious thing, that public health care kept me alive, and that every struggle, every surgery, every scar, attachment, modification, and curve of my body is precious, a source of strength, and the reason I am still alive today. Please let me remember how hard, heart breaking, lonely, joyful and fun being single can be, so that when the right person comes along, I will carry with me the joy and the fun, leave the rest behind, and never take them for granted. Thank you for this abundance.
Six months ago I couldn't have dreamed this level of good in my life was even possible. Still soaking it up.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Monday, January 23, 2012
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
This Will Surely Prove to my Family I'm a Hippy
Sad news today, Cafe Gratitude is closing it's northern California stores. I didn't know they had so many. But this means an end to the amazing grateful bowl, which fed me a bit when I was very poor, for very cheap, and which I pay as much as I can for now that I have money. I'm probably going to miss the green sauce they make the most. They basically make a rice bowl of black beans, brown rice, kale, and this green sauce, and it's delicious:
It's my favorite. Apparently I need to find the recipe for that green sauce. I think probably it's avocado based. Plus I love Kale. And look! Here's a guy in Vermont who makes Kale and Cheese related T-shirts and hoodies:
Eat More Kale!
I just found 100 Years of Solitude on the bookshelf here at the hostel. I'm stoked. This bumps up my pile of books to 5: Green Mars by Kim Robinson, Feast of Crows by George Martin, South America Lonely Planet Guide, New Zealand Lonely Planet guide, and now 100 Years of Solitude. Yeah, I know, that's a lot of books. I keep thinking they should be going faster, but Green Mars is heavy on science talk, and Feast of Crows is heavy on historical politics, so even though I'm thoroughly engrossed the reading is slow. The travel books are browsers right now. I'll get to the planning later. 100 Years, well now, I might wait to start that one after I've finished Green Mars or Feast of Crows. I know this is all facinating to you.
Maybe more interesting was my reading list for the day. I started at Occupy Oakland on Facebook, out of curiosity for what the movement is doing in my town after reading a synopsis of the minutes of the most recent GA that a friend posted up. I will admit that I'm disheartened by the co-opting of the movement in Oakland by some overly radical characters. We need more balanced view points at the GAs!
My foray onto the page led me to an article talking about the movement getting co-opted for the democratic party. It's decidedly and admittedly one sided, but it led me to an article by a man who used to be an accountant for the IMF, or for those who don't know, the International Monetary Fund. These guys are the biggest bank in the world, and they bail out countries who have no where else to turn. The IMF is also kind of evil on some other levels, but this is basically a general economic and history lesson related to debt laden countries. The quote that led me to this article from the one on Slate?
"Squeezing the oligarchs, though, is seldom the strategy of choice among emerging-market governments. Quite the contrary: at the outset of the crisis, the oligarchs are usually among the first to get extra help from the government, such as preferential access to foreign currency, or maybe a nice tax break, or—here’s a classic Kremlin bailout technique—the assumption of private debt obligations by the government. Under duress, generosity toward old friends takes many innovative forms. Meanwhile, needing to squeeze someone, most emerging-market governments look first to ordinary working folk—at least until the riots grow too large."
Oligarchy: a government in which a small group exercises control especially for corrupt and selfish purposes; also : a group exercising such control (I do the work so you don't have to!)
I read an article on the daily Kos:
"An Open Letter to the Black Bloc and Others Concerning Wednesday's Tactics in Oakland"
My last bit of reading? Well I've been a bit concerned over the National Defense Authorization Act, which is a huge bill with a couple scary small provisions. Today the bill was voted on and passed the senate. Here's a right wing view on what's wrong with this bill from Politico:
"Opinion: Matters of Injustice"
On a side note: I was told once by a friend that the Mahna Mahna song from the muppets was originally a swedish porn song. I told this to my friends after we went to see the Muppets on Thanksgiving, and it turns out someone actually did a whole overview of the origination of the song on Slate. Italian soft core porn about swedish snow bunny babes in a sauna is where the song actually first originated. Good to know weird information for the future.
Snowths & Mahna Mahna photograph by John E. Barrett. © The Muppets Studio, LLC. © Disney Enterprises. All Rights Reserved. (I figured I ought to cover my butt with this picture, namean?) OH! And thanksgiving! So much fooooood! I did lunch with the fam, and got to see my amazing grandmother who I adore, and talk music, bikes, and fantasy fiction with my Uncle, who then gave me a burned CD of an awesome Bob Dylan Bootleg from 1960, Sam Cooke live at the Harlem Cafe (?), and some more Holy Modal Rounders full of bad harmonizing. And THEN he gave me the first two books of the Wheel of Time series, which was recommended by a new friend. After family lunch, I had friend dinner. Two turkeys. at least 15 side dishes, (Highlights? Duck with Pomegranate Sauce, persian, and Mole, mexican) and I don't even know how many desserts. Here's a picture of the desserts for reference on what kind of feast this was:
That's me in the corner photobombing. Three photobombs later of the same picture I managed to get my face shoved into the beautiful bird cake in the lower right corner. And then Doug photobombed the next picture just for good measure. Moral: I love my Oakland people, and I love feasting, and we had a ton of fun at dinner, and always photobomb!
Then I took the bruise crew in a friend of a friend's van out to the movies. We saw the Muppets. Duh. And it was awesome. I wore an animal costume and scared a very large man behind the snack counter so bad he broke out in a cold sweat and the shakes. I sat with a giant grin on my face the whole movie. Best Thanksgiving EVER.
Work has been easy the last few days, very slow, so lots of laundry has been done. Tomorrow it's bleaching the linens and the mattress covers for the new building. Facinating, no?
Break time was all sunshine today. I threw on my wetsuit, rode my bike down coast trail, right through the giant puddle, skirted up a dune, landed on the beach but didn't swim because i was afraid of the waves and maybe sharks and I was all alone at the beach. If I'd been eaten or swept out to sea no one would know! I played it safe and only went in as far as I could touch, then took off the suit and napped in the sun for about an hour before riding back, just as the fog was rolling in. I love it here. Even on foggy days I think it's super beautiful. It's not the mountains, but it'll do. Update: I just read a blog that told me to look out for stinging nettle jellyfish! The ocean is SCARY!
It's my favorite. Apparently I need to find the recipe for that green sauce. I think probably it's avocado based. Plus I love Kale. And look! Here's a guy in Vermont who makes Kale and Cheese related T-shirts and hoodies:
Eat More Kale!
I just found 100 Years of Solitude on the bookshelf here at the hostel. I'm stoked. This bumps up my pile of books to 5: Green Mars by Kim Robinson, Feast of Crows by George Martin, South America Lonely Planet Guide, New Zealand Lonely Planet guide, and now 100 Years of Solitude. Yeah, I know, that's a lot of books. I keep thinking they should be going faster, but Green Mars is heavy on science talk, and Feast of Crows is heavy on historical politics, so even though I'm thoroughly engrossed the reading is slow. The travel books are browsers right now. I'll get to the planning later. 100 Years, well now, I might wait to start that one after I've finished Green Mars or Feast of Crows. I know this is all facinating to you.
Maybe more interesting was my reading list for the day. I started at Occupy Oakland on Facebook, out of curiosity for what the movement is doing in my town after reading a synopsis of the minutes of the most recent GA that a friend posted up. I will admit that I'm disheartened by the co-opting of the movement in Oakland by some overly radical characters. We need more balanced view points at the GAs!
My foray onto the page led me to an article talking about the movement getting co-opted for the democratic party. It's decidedly and admittedly one sided, but it led me to an article by a man who used to be an accountant for the IMF, or for those who don't know, the International Monetary Fund. These guys are the biggest bank in the world, and they bail out countries who have no where else to turn. The IMF is also kind of evil on some other levels, but this is basically a general economic and history lesson related to debt laden countries. The quote that led me to this article from the one on Slate?
"Squeezing the oligarchs, though, is seldom the strategy of choice among emerging-market governments. Quite the contrary: at the outset of the crisis, the oligarchs are usually among the first to get extra help from the government, such as preferential access to foreign currency, or maybe a nice tax break, or—here’s a classic Kremlin bailout technique—the assumption of private debt obligations by the government. Under duress, generosity toward old friends takes many innovative forms. Meanwhile, needing to squeeze someone, most emerging-market governments look first to ordinary working folk—at least until the riots grow too large."
Oligarchy: a government in which a small group exercises control especially for corrupt and selfish purposes; also : a group exercising such control (I do the work so you don't have to!)
I read an article on the daily Kos:
To the black bloc "anarchists", F*** OFF! This is "Occupy", NOT "Destroy"
Which led me to also read an open letter to the Black Bloc at Occupy Oakland on Indy Bay, which articulated my own frustration with what happened on my side the night of the General Strike."An Open Letter to the Black Bloc and Others Concerning Wednesday's Tactics in Oakland"
My last bit of reading? Well I've been a bit concerned over the National Defense Authorization Act, which is a huge bill with a couple scary small provisions. Today the bill was voted on and passed the senate. Here's a right wing view on what's wrong with this bill from Politico:
"Opinion: Matters of Injustice"
On a side note: I was told once by a friend that the Mahna Mahna song from the muppets was originally a swedish porn song. I told this to my friends after we went to see the Muppets on Thanksgiving, and it turns out someone actually did a whole overview of the origination of the song on Slate. Italian soft core porn about swedish snow bunny babes in a sauna is where the song actually first originated. Good to know weird information for the future.
Then I took the bruise crew in a friend of a friend's van out to the movies. We saw the Muppets. Duh. And it was awesome. I wore an animal costume and scared a very large man behind the snack counter so bad he broke out in a cold sweat and the shakes. I sat with a giant grin on my face the whole movie. Best Thanksgiving EVER.
Work has been easy the last few days, very slow, so lots of laundry has been done. Tomorrow it's bleaching the linens and the mattress covers for the new building. Facinating, no?
Break time was all sunshine today. I threw on my wetsuit, rode my bike down coast trail, right through the giant puddle, skirted up a dune, landed on the beach but didn't swim because i was afraid of the waves and maybe sharks and I was all alone at the beach. If I'd been eaten or swept out to sea no one would know! I played it safe and only went in as far as I could touch, then took off the suit and napped in the sun for about an hour before riding back, just as the fog was rolling in. I love it here. Even on foggy days I think it's super beautiful. It's not the mountains, but it'll do. Update: I just read a blog that told me to look out for stinging nettle jellyfish! The ocean is SCARY!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Stress Makes me Lose Things
And cry a lot. The last 24 hours are no exception.
Hardly Strictly was awesome, super fun, I met fun people and danced a lot, and laughed a lot, and got a full dose of Tahoe love. It's always a hard thing to say goodbye to the people in my life from there, even if it's for not too long.
I definitely caught the flu at some point in the last few days. I don't honestly know if I caught it working last week, or if I caught it from the camp kids, since camp cold happens to be going around up there. Regardless, it makes me feel like death for at least 70% of the day. I've pretty much spent the whole day sleeping.
Yesterday the combination of feeling wicked sick, a little too sun burnt, and a little too tired, caused me to lose my wallet.
Disaster. I know. Trust me, I know. But the good news? Just as I was writing this, 311 called me to let me know that they'd found it! Awesome Sauce.
Also, I peed my pants. Not on purpose, and not for lack of trying to hold it. It's just that I downed about 3 liters of water in the last two hours of the festival, and we were walking to the beach (30 blocks) and I held it as long as I could, but there were no bathrooms! We finally crossed a park, and I found some good bushes, but I was JUST short of getting my shorts off before things started to flow. Luckily I had a tropical print towel and clean underwear in my bag. I should have brought the jeans. Who knew? Also, I had to pee ALOT on that walk, and it was by far one of the weirdest city walks I've ever done with a group of people.
I didn't sleep much because I'm pretty sure I have the flu. Plus I was upset that I'd lost my wallet, plus I was sad that the three lovely people sleeping on the floor were going to be taking off in a car without me in three hours. Not gonna lie, I cried a little, threw myself a little pity party, slept a little, woke up and helped them get stuff out to the car, hugged them hard, and tried to sleep a little more. What ended up happening is that I wasn't very good at sleeping, so I woke up at 4:30am, read, called the EBT people to cancel my EBT card (they are sending another one to replace it, probably they sent it today, but who knows really), and read.
There's been a lot of reading. Had to miss work today because of the sickness, and it looks the same for tomorrow too. I can't go out into the world and spread whatever this thing is.
Hardly Strictly was awesome, super fun, I met fun people and danced a lot, and laughed a lot, and got a full dose of Tahoe love. It's always a hard thing to say goodbye to the people in my life from there, even if it's for not too long.
I definitely caught the flu at some point in the last few days. I don't honestly know if I caught it working last week, or if I caught it from the camp kids, since camp cold happens to be going around up there. Regardless, it makes me feel like death for at least 70% of the day. I've pretty much spent the whole day sleeping.
Yesterday the combination of feeling wicked sick, a little too sun burnt, and a little too tired, caused me to lose my wallet.
Disaster. I know. Trust me, I know. But the good news? Just as I was writing this, 311 called me to let me know that they'd found it! Awesome Sauce.
Also, I peed my pants. Not on purpose, and not for lack of trying to hold it. It's just that I downed about 3 liters of water in the last two hours of the festival, and we were walking to the beach (30 blocks) and I held it as long as I could, but there were no bathrooms! We finally crossed a park, and I found some good bushes, but I was JUST short of getting my shorts off before things started to flow. Luckily I had a tropical print towel and clean underwear in my bag. I should have brought the jeans. Who knew? Also, I had to pee ALOT on that walk, and it was by far one of the weirdest city walks I've ever done with a group of people.
I didn't sleep much because I'm pretty sure I have the flu. Plus I was upset that I'd lost my wallet, plus I was sad that the three lovely people sleeping on the floor were going to be taking off in a car without me in three hours. Not gonna lie, I cried a little, threw myself a little pity party, slept a little, woke up and helped them get stuff out to the car, hugged them hard, and tried to sleep a little more. What ended up happening is that I wasn't very good at sleeping, so I woke up at 4:30am, read, called the EBT people to cancel my EBT card (they are sending another one to replace it, probably they sent it today, but who knows really), and read.
There's been a lot of reading. Had to miss work today because of the sickness, and it looks the same for tomorrow too. I can't go out into the world and spread whatever this thing is.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Money Be Tight Yo.
Whoo boy, it's been a while since I posted anything up.
Things have most definitely led me down some crazy paths the last few weeks. From laughing with a family in Carson City, feeding cows and wine tasting in Placerville, to night time hikes with old and awkward friends, piano and big fire in the old lodge out at camp, lake sunrises and jumps, hitching a last minute ride to the Bay Area and changing ALL my plans in less than a minute, getting a job 3 days after arriving back in the bay, riding a bike 30 miles to pick up some stuff, then hitching a ride with a surfer/stoner/burner kid from Ukiah who got lost looking for the San Pablo exit in Oakland off of 80, to spending a night in Twain Harte with the pretty cool and very loving family of a man who is a very dear friend of mine.
I have joked with friends recently that my life has become a "Choose your own adventure" story book. I managed to hit a pile of vipers and got sent back to the start to try again, so here I am, back in Oakland, and working no less. (There's a lot I could say and won't about this situation. My best friends know what's up.)
To top it all off, Back in July I had applied for unemployment, and got rejected. Up in Tahoe, I reapplied, figuring it couldn't hurt to try again. Well, tonight I found out I was approved, finally, after three months and hardly any money. I should get my check at the end of this week if all goes according to plan.
Speaking of funds, here is the break down of my recent costs and bank account:
Medical Supplies: 140.00 (This is about what I paid when I had health insurance too, and might even be less than I paid when I had insurance, since I was also paying for insurance at the time. By the way, this is a scary position to be in, since I cannot get health insurance due to my pre-existing condition until 2013 unless my employer provides it, but that's a conversation for another day.)
Cell Phone: 52.00
New Cell Phone due to lost Charger: 12.71 (I could not find a charger for my old phone, and besides, all the chargers I could find cost 25.00 or more.)
CA ID: 26.00 (Mine has not been valid for a year and I lost my passport in Utah. If I want to get a real job, I'll need a valid ID, and a Social Security card, both of which are cheaper at the moment then replacing the passport.)
1 Coffee: 1.50
Total in Bank Account today, after all was said and done:
91.52
Bills that aren't getting paid this month:
School: 152.00
ER Bill from Kidney Stones: $2500 (It's unlikely this bill will get paid for sometime yet. And in the mean time it's accruing interest)
Things I cut out of my budget last month: Netflix and Drop Box for a total of 32.00.
Other things going on: I found holes in the one pair of jeans I own. My sweatshirt smells bad because I've worn it every day for the last two months (I wash it frequently). I lost my glasses in a lake in the wilderness. Well, lost is not really the right word for it. My glasses are sitting at the bottom of a lake in the wilderness, waiting for me to retrieve them some day. If anyone has a wetsuit and the ability to freedive to find them, please let me know.
Just a short comment on job applications: I've been sending several out in chunks when I have internet access. It's hard to do when you don't have a computer you know?
Things have most definitely led me down some crazy paths the last few weeks. From laughing with a family in Carson City, feeding cows and wine tasting in Placerville, to night time hikes with old and awkward friends, piano and big fire in the old lodge out at camp, lake sunrises and jumps, hitching a last minute ride to the Bay Area and changing ALL my plans in less than a minute, getting a job 3 days after arriving back in the bay, riding a bike 30 miles to pick up some stuff, then hitching a ride with a surfer/stoner/burner kid from Ukiah who got lost looking for the San Pablo exit in Oakland off of 80, to spending a night in Twain Harte with the pretty cool and very loving family of a man who is a very dear friend of mine.
I have joked with friends recently that my life has become a "Choose your own adventure" story book. I managed to hit a pile of vipers and got sent back to the start to try again, so here I am, back in Oakland, and working no less. (There's a lot I could say and won't about this situation. My best friends know what's up.)
To top it all off, Back in July I had applied for unemployment, and got rejected. Up in Tahoe, I reapplied, figuring it couldn't hurt to try again. Well, tonight I found out I was approved, finally, after three months and hardly any money. I should get my check at the end of this week if all goes according to plan.
Speaking of funds, here is the break down of my recent costs and bank account:
Medical Supplies: 140.00 (This is about what I paid when I had health insurance too, and might even be less than I paid when I had insurance, since I was also paying for insurance at the time. By the way, this is a scary position to be in, since I cannot get health insurance due to my pre-existing condition until 2013 unless my employer provides it, but that's a conversation for another day.)
Cell Phone: 52.00
New Cell Phone due to lost Charger: 12.71 (I could not find a charger for my old phone, and besides, all the chargers I could find cost 25.00 or more.)
CA ID: 26.00 (Mine has not been valid for a year and I lost my passport in Utah. If I want to get a real job, I'll need a valid ID, and a Social Security card, both of which are cheaper at the moment then replacing the passport.)
1 Coffee: 1.50
Total in Bank Account today, after all was said and done:
91.52
Bills that aren't getting paid this month:
School: 152.00
ER Bill from Kidney Stones: $2500 (It's unlikely this bill will get paid for sometime yet. And in the mean time it's accruing interest)
Things I cut out of my budget last month: Netflix and Drop Box for a total of 32.00.
Other things going on: I found holes in the one pair of jeans I own. My sweatshirt smells bad because I've worn it every day for the last two months (I wash it frequently). I lost my glasses in a lake in the wilderness. Well, lost is not really the right word for it. My glasses are sitting at the bottom of a lake in the wilderness, waiting for me to retrieve them some day. If anyone has a wetsuit and the ability to freedive to find them, please let me know.
Just a short comment on job applications: I've been sending several out in chunks when I have internet access. It's hard to do when you don't have a computer you know?
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Tahoe Pt. 3
Spent:
6 on breakfast
5 on lunch (peanut butter sando and a hot cocoa.)
5 for a monthly bank fee
6 dollars on a bank fee I was not aware I was going to be charged.
Total in bank:
324.22
Total in pocket:
10
I appreciate the sounds of this place:
The look and color of the leaves of the Aspens
Lake waves at Kiva:
Wind blowing between the moraines and peaks and brushing the needles of the pine trees
Update: I am in a friend's home looking to leave tomorrow for a few days. I miss Matty and Jared, but Becca is here, and I love her so much, and am so grateful for her and Tom for letting me stay a few nights with them. I've been to two open mic nights since I got to town, spent a day out at Kiva with the boys, spent a day watching movies with Becca. I heard yesterday that there was an opening at camp, so I gave Brian a call to let him know I was still very interested in working out there, then spent today waiting for a call back, looking for other jobs, applying to other jobs, though what I most want is camp.
I got a call from Cyndi and talked plans (on her side) and ideas (on my side).
There are many more ideas, as change of location is bound to bring. Matty gave me his guide to short term job adventures to go through, and I'm finding a wealth of outdoor education jobs. It's making me so stoked to get out and apply for them. A lot of them require previous experience, so I'm trying to get on this path so I can go work these awesome jobs.
I have to say that I'm incredibly grateful for the wonderful men in my life that are based out here for the moment. Jon has been incredibly generous with food, and has stuck with me through movement, driving us around and offering really awesome conversation and encouragement, since we're both homeless right now. I feel protected and less lonely with him around, plus he's hustling sleeping spaces and has way more connections out this way then I do. Matty has been generous with the mobile space he owns, and I'm glad David and Jared are out here because they make me laugh a lot.
Then there's this, which was a Becca gift tonight:
6 on breakfast
5 on lunch (peanut butter sando and a hot cocoa.)
5 for a monthly bank fee
6 dollars on a bank fee I was not aware I was going to be charged.
Total in bank:
324.22
Total in pocket:
10
I appreciate the sounds of this place:
The look and color of the leaves of the Aspens
Lake waves at Kiva:
(Photo Credit: Jon Green)
Wind blowing between the moraines and peaks and brushing the needles of the pine trees
Update: I am in a friend's home looking to leave tomorrow for a few days. I miss Matty and Jared, but Becca is here, and I love her so much, and am so grateful for her and Tom for letting me stay a few nights with them. I've been to two open mic nights since I got to town, spent a day out at Kiva with the boys, spent a day watching movies with Becca. I heard yesterday that there was an opening at camp, so I gave Brian a call to let him know I was still very interested in working out there, then spent today waiting for a call back, looking for other jobs, applying to other jobs, though what I most want is camp.
I got a call from Cyndi and talked plans (on her side) and ideas (on my side).
There are many more ideas, as change of location is bound to bring. Matty gave me his guide to short term job adventures to go through, and I'm finding a wealth of outdoor education jobs. It's making me so stoked to get out and apply for them. A lot of them require previous experience, so I'm trying to get on this path so I can go work these awesome jobs.
I have to say that I'm incredibly grateful for the wonderful men in my life that are based out here for the moment. Jon has been incredibly generous with food, and has stuck with me through movement, driving us around and offering really awesome conversation and encouragement, since we're both homeless right now. I feel protected and less lonely with him around, plus he's hustling sleeping spaces and has way more connections out this way then I do. Matty has been generous with the mobile space he owns, and I'm glad David and Jared are out here because they make me laugh a lot.
Then there's this, which was a Becca gift tonight:
Monday, July 11, 2011
Grateful Bowl
So, I would just like to say that it seems to me that some gratitude must be laid out on the table for my full belly. Being as poor as I am, scratchin' in the dust for some kernels of corn and some pretty pieces of paper that mean nothing in the long history of things, I have come to realize that my friends are incredible and generous sorts. They have let me travel with them, fed me, and soothed my invisible wounds with plenty of cheap wine. I'm not sure there's much more I could ask for in people I call my friends.
Yesterday was a backyard show day, with a band from Europe (The guy from Lichtenstein was amazing) and my lovely lions. I'm so proud of them, and they let me sing a couple of songs with them. I've only been to a couple of these shows this summer, I've not been feeling the punked out vibe this year, but a backyard bbq is hard to resist when you have no money, and the mood of the afternoon was mellow.
(backyard bbq show)
I had my first grateful bowl today. For those not in the know, the Grateful Cafe is a cafe that does mostly raw vegan food based in Berkeley. All their dishes are named after affirmations. It's kind of brilliant in that most Berkeley of ways. The grateful bowl is their community offering of brown rice, black beans, kale and a spicy green cilantro dressing, generously poured. You buy it for what you can pay. Also, it's incredibly delicious, better than I thought it would be. Some people pay 10$, some, who are poor, like me, pay 1$. Most pay somewhere in between. I have to say, for all my opposition to the cult like atmosphere, It made me smile and blush when the Question of the day was offered: What do you want to be acknowledged for and I answered "Being Awesome". When she actually did acknowledge me for that, I squirmed a little, but in a nice way. I sat down and ate, and picked up the book next to me written by the founder of the company. Insights a plenty, and not enough time to take them all in.
Also, I wrote this short note because sitting on my bar stool eating my grateful bowl, I had a hammer of self confidence just slam into me. My response:
Oh wow, hey confidence. Where have you been? Way to come out of left field like a ton of bricks. Sure, I'd love to dance. I wouldn't mind keeping you around for a while longer either. Love, Ashley
Yesterday was a backyard show day, with a band from Europe (The guy from Lichtenstein was amazing) and my lovely lions. I'm so proud of them, and they let me sing a couple of songs with them. I've only been to a couple of these shows this summer, I've not been feeling the punked out vibe this year, but a backyard bbq is hard to resist when you have no money, and the mood of the afternoon was mellow.
(backyard bbq show)I had my first grateful bowl today. For those not in the know, the Grateful Cafe is a cafe that does mostly raw vegan food based in Berkeley. All their dishes are named after affirmations. It's kind of brilliant in that most Berkeley of ways. The grateful bowl is their community offering of brown rice, black beans, kale and a spicy green cilantro dressing, generously poured. You buy it for what you can pay. Also, it's incredibly delicious, better than I thought it would be. Some people pay 10$, some, who are poor, like me, pay 1$. Most pay somewhere in between. I have to say, for all my opposition to the cult like atmosphere, It made me smile and blush when the Question of the day was offered: What do you want to be acknowledged for and I answered "Being Awesome". When she actually did acknowledge me for that, I squirmed a little, but in a nice way. I sat down and ate, and picked up the book next to me written by the founder of the company. Insights a plenty, and not enough time to take them all in.
Also, I wrote this short note because sitting on my bar stool eating my grateful bowl, I had a hammer of self confidence just slam into me. My response:
Oh wow, hey confidence. Where have you been? Way to come out of left field like a ton of bricks. Sure, I'd love to dance. I wouldn't mind keeping you around for a while longer either. Love, Ashley
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Leaning into Uncertainty
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." — Gilda Radner
Delicious Ambiguity. Ah. Those are good words.
I'm studying vulnerability this year. I always make this resolution on New Years to be more vulnerable. I have for the past 10 years or so. It's taken me this long to learn what that really means, and oh man, what a task.
At this point in my year, I'm being thrown back into uncertainty, and there are a few good resources I have to deal with that (besides my beautiful and loving friends). Here are the two I've been using lately:
1. Dr. Brene Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection"
2. Improv for the spirit.
Both of these books are wonderful resources for getting deep into the nitty gritty of joy, vulnerability, and dancing with uncertainty.
As for myself: after two days or so of mostly hiding under my covers in fear of the unknown, I've talked myself into getting up and beginning to lean into the uncertainty like an old friend, being aware of my own internal talk and past notes, and coming to grips with just not being sure about anything right now.
My night last night helped:
Ethiopian from Red Sea at Kingfish, shuffle board, sprite, and "Oh baby you...you got what I neeeeeed." (I could make a habit of that) Night was cool but not too cool, snails on the ground, leaving trails and making us more careful about where we stepped in order to avoid that crunchy slimy guilt while walking back to the friends house talking about what I think I'm looking for.
Today, Bike ride, wine tasting, chores and preparing for my week, planning some extra unexpected adventures, planning sensible approaches, planning to knock it out of the park and approach everything with a new fire.
Today I'm grateful for more time.
Delicious Ambiguity. Ah. Those are good words.
I'm studying vulnerability this year. I always make this resolution on New Years to be more vulnerable. I have for the past 10 years or so. It's taken me this long to learn what that really means, and oh man, what a task.
At this point in my year, I'm being thrown back into uncertainty, and there are a few good resources I have to deal with that (besides my beautiful and loving friends). Here are the two I've been using lately:
1. Dr. Brene Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection"
2. Improv for the spirit.
Both of these books are wonderful resources for getting deep into the nitty gritty of joy, vulnerability, and dancing with uncertainty.
As for myself: after two days or so of mostly hiding under my covers in fear of the unknown, I've talked myself into getting up and beginning to lean into the uncertainty like an old friend, being aware of my own internal talk and past notes, and coming to grips with just not being sure about anything right now.
My night last night helped:
Ethiopian from Red Sea at Kingfish, shuffle board, sprite, and "Oh baby you...you got what I neeeeeed." (I could make a habit of that) Night was cool but not too cool, snails on the ground, leaving trails and making us more careful about where we stepped in order to avoid that crunchy slimy guilt while walking back to the friends house talking about what I think I'm looking for.
Today, Bike ride, wine tasting, chores and preparing for my week, planning some extra unexpected adventures, planning sensible approaches, planning to knock it out of the park and approach everything with a new fire.
Today I'm grateful for more time.
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