It's 1:18 in the morning, after my Monday, and I have three more days to go. My Tuesday is going to be a 14 hour day. I should be asleep.
Problem is, I'm a night person. I do all my best thinking after work.
Brene Brown is a hero of mine. She set upon me a challenge in a recent blog post: Choose one word for the year. Unknowingly, last year I had chosen Vulnerable, like I have done for years. Vulnerable is a hard lesson to learn for someone like me, and no doubt, it's a life long challenge.
But this year is different. This year I decided to go with something else. For the first time in a long time, in fact, maybe as long as I can remember, I am healthy, and more importantly happy, and was through the entire holiday season. This is not the norm. It started in November. And This year, I went into New Year's with an attitude of peace, and joy, and love, and happiness.
When I read the post by Brene, and subsequent posts by some other people, I decided I needed to figure out what my word was. I've tossed around a few, and I think "happy" is really MY word for this year. I've already had to make a couple of really hard decisions, that are pretty hard to stick to considering my free and impulsive nature, but the thing is, those choices were based on what was going to make me happy, not in the moment, but in the long run. And the universe is conspiring to keep those decisions solid. I can't argue with that. I mean, it's pretty hard to fight the universe.
So what does happy mean for me? Well, I think it means taking care of myself. Doing things as if I deserve the things I want (Note: Deserving something is different than feeling entitled to it.). It means being brutally honest with people about who I am, what I want, what I like, what I can offer, what I can't, and what I don't like. It means being ok with it when I trip, or when I pause, or when I take a step or two backwards. It means being courageous in certain ways I'm not used to. It means being patient in ways I'm not used to. It means admitting how bad I am at certain things, to myself and others, laughing about it, and continuing to try in spite of it. (It's funny how certain friends can encourage you in ways they don't even realize. I have a friend who's been saying "We're real bad at this" for the last few months in a joking way, but still kind of serious. It makes it easier to admit it when it's true.) I've always been so good at loving the awkwardness and missteps of other people, or loving them through their awkward and graceless moments, and yet I've always been so hard on myself for the same things. I want to love my missteps, trip ups, and awkwardness as much as I love other people's. I think that is key to my happiness.
Big important thing about happiness: It means setting boundaries that are good for me, and adhering to them.
So many things are tied up in this thing with boundaries: boundaries with my money (now that I have it, I'm prone to giving it away) boundaries with my time, my energy, my heart. I'm very intentionally making choices that are basically forcing me to be conscious about these things. Tonight I'm obviously violating a boundary with my time and energy by staying up far too late to write this, but it's been on my mind all day.
The final thing about this post: Last year I read a book that helped me tremendously in my vulnerability quest, and it was given to me by a friend. It made me cry. Hard. And it expanded my world and my wisdom. This year I have a book I need to read to. It's called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Ruben. I've been avoiding it like the plague since I heard about it. I can't really tell you why, but I think it's time. It's sitting on the shelf in the staff housing. I start reading it in the afternoon. I'm nervous, and I'm not going to lie, I'm still resisting it a little. I'll do a full book report when I'm done. Ok, maybe just a quick summary. And with that, the rain has stopped and I must go sleep.
Showing posts with label inspired. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inspired. Show all posts
Monday, January 23, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Fun. I've heard that before.
So I had an encounter recently, a kind of heart to heart with someone. I'm calling it a heart to heart because I exposed certain parts of who I am to this person, as a bit of a personal push to be more honest with myself and others this year. To admit to my own insecurities and to own my own brilliance. It felt good to connect.
I've been joking with people about it though, because if a dog could bark up a wrong tree, this tree would be the wrong one for me.
This heart to heart was important for a few reasons. Sometimes you heal through physical action, sometimes you readjust due to a conversation you have.
The conversation has taken a lot of turns. I'm interested and curious about this person.
I think if I could assign one word for this person's philosophy on life this year it could be summed up by the word "Fun". Since I met them I have been resisting this idea of fun, due to the fear of my own anxiety issues and some other things. But I'm thinking about it hard. And I get it. Easy. Fun. Spending time with someone you like and laugh a lot with, flirting, making out, getting laid on a regular basis. Fun. Fun is good. I like fun.
And here's the thing: I've never approached a relationship from the fun angle. I'm a fun person. So why not? Fun. Relaxed. Anxiety free. Right. Right. Ok. Learning new things. Add it to the goals of the year. I better go burn one for the intention pile.
Update:
After frantically searching for friends to talk about this with, I ended up making a facebook post to get some perspective from the masses. What ensued was an amazing conversation that shed a lot of light on a lot of different things for me.
I've been trying to reread it when I have a minute, because it's a lot to absorb, and it's the kind of conversation that afterwards leaves you with warm fuzzies because it just makes things seem really clear.
I'm going to try to summarize it, because it spanned the whole gammut of sex/relationship talk, from what fun means in a relationship and how it applies, to STDs, to polyamorous relationships. There was also a really interesting factor in the conversation, in that most of the participants were male. A few women posted comments, as did I, but it was really just interesting to watch the men interact with each other on the topic of what a relationship defined as "fun" was. It opened this whole can of worms.
We all basically agreed that relationships should be fun. What that means to people obviously differs according to preference, conditioning, and experience, thus knowing yourself and what you like out of a relationship is essential, and those things are up for challenge, growth, and evolution as you go along. Bottom line, if you are getting what you want out of a relationship, it's fun. Know what you want. Keep communication lines open, and be honest about what you want and how you feel. For me specifically, make sure you take the space and time you need to work things out and get to where you know what you want. Sometimes it takes a long time. That's ok. Verbalize feelings, expectations, needs, and wants. Don't hold so fast to desires, expectations, and projected outcomes, so that you can be open to what is going on in the relationship in the moment, be willing to experiment, be willing to get hurt, and expect to grow. Talk a lot. Kiss a lot. Have good sex, a lot...or as much as you like. Personally I like to go with: find someone who likes to have sex as much as you do, and then get good at it with each other.
Optimism, hope, joy, fun. Yeah. I can get on that train this year.
I've been joking with people about it though, because if a dog could bark up a wrong tree, this tree would be the wrong one for me.
This heart to heart was important for a few reasons. Sometimes you heal through physical action, sometimes you readjust due to a conversation you have.
The conversation has taken a lot of turns. I'm interested and curious about this person.
I think if I could assign one word for this person's philosophy on life this year it could be summed up by the word "Fun". Since I met them I have been resisting this idea of fun, due to the fear of my own anxiety issues and some other things. But I'm thinking about it hard. And I get it. Easy. Fun. Spending time with someone you like and laugh a lot with, flirting, making out, getting laid on a regular basis. Fun. Fun is good. I like fun.
And here's the thing: I've never approached a relationship from the fun angle. I'm a fun person. So why not? Fun. Relaxed. Anxiety free. Right. Right. Ok. Learning new things. Add it to the goals of the year. I better go burn one for the intention pile.
Update:
After frantically searching for friends to talk about this with, I ended up making a facebook post to get some perspective from the masses. What ensued was an amazing conversation that shed a lot of light on a lot of different things for me.
I've been trying to reread it when I have a minute, because it's a lot to absorb, and it's the kind of conversation that afterwards leaves you with warm fuzzies because it just makes things seem really clear.
I'm going to try to summarize it, because it spanned the whole gammut of sex/relationship talk, from what fun means in a relationship and how it applies, to STDs, to polyamorous relationships. There was also a really interesting factor in the conversation, in that most of the participants were male. A few women posted comments, as did I, but it was really just interesting to watch the men interact with each other on the topic of what a relationship defined as "fun" was. It opened this whole can of worms.
We all basically agreed that relationships should be fun. What that means to people obviously differs according to preference, conditioning, and experience, thus knowing yourself and what you like out of a relationship is essential, and those things are up for challenge, growth, and evolution as you go along. Bottom line, if you are getting what you want out of a relationship, it's fun. Know what you want. Keep communication lines open, and be honest about what you want and how you feel. For me specifically, make sure you take the space and time you need to work things out and get to where you know what you want. Sometimes it takes a long time. That's ok. Verbalize feelings, expectations, needs, and wants. Don't hold so fast to desires, expectations, and projected outcomes, so that you can be open to what is going on in the relationship in the moment, be willing to experiment, be willing to get hurt, and expect to grow. Talk a lot. Kiss a lot. Have good sex, a lot...or as much as you like. Personally I like to go with: find someone who likes to have sex as much as you do, and then get good at it with each other.
Optimism, hope, joy, fun. Yeah. I can get on that train this year.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Mountain Places
Today we hiked up to Aloha and Jabu through the Desolation Wilderness, which is the back border of SSCC. Pictures are not mine, since I didn't have a camera, but just to give you an idea of where I spent my day:
Neither of these pictures can completely do the places justice, but you get the idea, yeah?
On the way back we the Echo Lakes trail, which is part of the PCT, and then took Tamarack trail, which is not marked on the maps, and follows a water flow down from Angora Ridge. It was tough and gorgeous.
I was tired at this point and was trailing with Jared, and we had about 20 minutes of improv play after climbing through a vortex tree, which turned us into wild mountain creatures discovering our world for the first time, and we found a stick and made it into several things before it's final incarnation as a laser gun.
Needless to say: I had fun. Jabu lake is cold and clear right down to the bottom. Aloha is gorgeous and quiet. I swam in Jabu, had some filtered Aloha water after wading in knee high, and did some trail running. My body hurts in the best way.
 |
| (The trail marked on this map covers part of what we did today. If you follow the red line from the bottom of the map, you'll see that it passes by Jabu, around Aloha, and past Heathers. We actually took a loop that started out by lilly lake and went around, decending down Tamarack. The yellow line shows a trail up to Mt. Tallac at 10,000 feet. I've done that climb, many years ago, but I went up the Fallen Leaf side. I'll probably take the Glen Alpine Springs Trail next time, which I think will be next week before the snow comes. Map Credit: Stanford.) |
(Lake Aloha, Photo Credit: Flickr Member Slang4201)
(Lake Jabu, Photo Credit: Flickr Member PaloJono)
On the way back we the Echo Lakes trail, which is part of the PCT, and then took Tamarack trail, which is not marked on the maps, and follows a water flow down from Angora Ridge. It was tough and gorgeous.
I was tired at this point and was trailing with Jared, and we had about 20 minutes of improv play after climbing through a vortex tree, which turned us into wild mountain creatures discovering our world for the first time, and we found a stick and made it into several things before it's final incarnation as a laser gun.
Needless to say: I had fun. Jabu lake is cold and clear right down to the bottom. Aloha is gorgeous and quiet. I swam in Jabu, had some filtered Aloha water after wading in knee high, and did some trail running. My body hurts in the best way.
Friday, August 12, 2011
The Laughing Heart
By Charles Bukowski
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
Tom Waits reading it:
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
Tom Waits reading it:
Monday, July 25, 2011
The Way and the Mountains
First the first gratitude list in a while:
This week I'm grateful for the people in my life. Most of them stand out on their own, but lately they have been coming in pairs.
1. Nick and Laura
2. Dom and Celina
3. Dan and Cindy
4. Matty
5. Alcatraz
6. Devin
7. Matto
The pairs of people are people who love each other, are generous with others, and have strong boundaries. Each expresses it in their own way, and each individual is one I admire and love a great deal in their own right, but the core of what I am grateful for this week, is how they interact with the world as a pair. There are definitely stand out individuals for very specific reasons: Matty for being, well, Matty. I've known him for a long time. He makes my brain and belly feel ok. Alcatraz for making me aware of how much I don't listen to the world around me and should. Matto for being a sweetheart and making me laugh, and Devin for showing that he cares without a hint of hesitation.
I'm using this week to begin a major tectonic life shift and today I'm feeling productive. I decided Saturday night that almost all of my stuff would have to go and that very little is going into storage this time around. For one, I need the money. Secondly, I need a new life. So the craigslist ads are posted, I'm in the process of uploading pictures, and my room is a disaster area. It feels amazing to be clearing out the clutter.
Liz Song just posted something up on Facebook yesterday that did a little thought reshaping for me: Brainpickings list of Five Manifestos for Life. Wow. What a treasure mine this website is. Definitely going on my favorites list.
There is some saying about how harmony and/or happiness come from having everything in your world projecting the same message. The same goes for a good marketing program with a company. Consistent messaging is key. So I'm working on clearing that up for myself. What's my plan for happiness that I'm not going to let circumstances interfere with? I guess that starts with what the hell makes me happy? I have an inkling, and things are becoming clearer in that area.
I feel a little bit like I should be really anxious, but for some reason, almost all the anxiety I've had the last year is gone. I am feeling somewhat in my element, I am exploring my world and my options, and the last two months have opened my eyes to a lot of things about me that I was not previously acknowledging or simply didn't know. Things like, I hate being in front of a computer all day. Being outside in nature makes me ridiculously happy and drops me right into the flow. Riding bikes is great, but doesn't even half way compare to riding a horse. Travel calms me down and gives me space to think. I don't like being inside all day. I like cooking simple and clean. I like having a beer or a glass of wine with friends and talking fluffy and serious in small groups. I like dance breaks. I like being on stage. I'm not sure what all this says about me, other than that it is who I am, and my best friends are the ones that understand it and love it about me.
I had a friend break off our friendship when I got back from Hollywood. Seeing as how we haven't really hung out very much outside of band stuff for the last year (almost) and our dealings with each other haven't been very friendly as of late, I can't say it was much of a surprise. Still, it sucks to lose a friend.
Another friend of mine posted up a pretty fantastic list of reasons why the 21st Century is Making you Miserable, on cracked.com. It was laugh out loud funny, but also really struck a nerve. Man, I love laughing and this one was just perfect for my morning.
This has been an interesting two months, and promises to be a continually interesting year. Adventuras!
This week I'm grateful for the people in my life. Most of them stand out on their own, but lately they have been coming in pairs.
1. Nick and Laura
2. Dom and Celina
3. Dan and Cindy
4. Matty
5. Alcatraz
6. Devin
7. Matto
The pairs of people are people who love each other, are generous with others, and have strong boundaries. Each expresses it in their own way, and each individual is one I admire and love a great deal in their own right, but the core of what I am grateful for this week, is how they interact with the world as a pair. There are definitely stand out individuals for very specific reasons: Matty for being, well, Matty. I've known him for a long time. He makes my brain and belly feel ok. Alcatraz for making me aware of how much I don't listen to the world around me and should. Matto for being a sweetheart and making me laugh, and Devin for showing that he cares without a hint of hesitation.
I'm using this week to begin a major tectonic life shift and today I'm feeling productive. I decided Saturday night that almost all of my stuff would have to go and that very little is going into storage this time around. For one, I need the money. Secondly, I need a new life. So the craigslist ads are posted, I'm in the process of uploading pictures, and my room is a disaster area. It feels amazing to be clearing out the clutter.
Liz Song just posted something up on Facebook yesterday that did a little thought reshaping for me: Brainpickings list of Five Manifestos for Life. Wow. What a treasure mine this website is. Definitely going on my favorites list.
There is some saying about how harmony and/or happiness come from having everything in your world projecting the same message. The same goes for a good marketing program with a company. Consistent messaging is key. So I'm working on clearing that up for myself. What's my plan for happiness that I'm not going to let circumstances interfere with? I guess that starts with what the hell makes me happy? I have an inkling, and things are becoming clearer in that area.
I feel a little bit like I should be really anxious, but for some reason, almost all the anxiety I've had the last year is gone. I am feeling somewhat in my element, I am exploring my world and my options, and the last two months have opened my eyes to a lot of things about me that I was not previously acknowledging or simply didn't know. Things like, I hate being in front of a computer all day. Being outside in nature makes me ridiculously happy and drops me right into the flow. Riding bikes is great, but doesn't even half way compare to riding a horse. Travel calms me down and gives me space to think. I don't like being inside all day. I like cooking simple and clean. I like having a beer or a glass of wine with friends and talking fluffy and serious in small groups. I like dance breaks. I like being on stage. I'm not sure what all this says about me, other than that it is who I am, and my best friends are the ones that understand it and love it about me.
I had a friend break off our friendship when I got back from Hollywood. Seeing as how we haven't really hung out very much outside of band stuff for the last year (almost) and our dealings with each other haven't been very friendly as of late, I can't say it was much of a surprise. Still, it sucks to lose a friend.
Another friend of mine posted up a pretty fantastic list of reasons why the 21st Century is Making you Miserable, on cracked.com. It was laugh out loud funny, but also really struck a nerve. Man, I love laughing and this one was just perfect for my morning.
This has been an interesting two months, and promises to be a continually interesting year. Adventuras!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Little Poems and Tilt Shift Time Lapse
Among other things. I'm back from Big Sur adventures. The two things I thought the most on the bus ride home: 1. My year is challenging and full of travel. 2. Big Sur happened in a most glorious way. Photos and stories will be posted shortly. After I sort through them for the best.
Treasures for the day:
Poetry Bombing (via Booooooom!) Thanks for the call out Jessica.
Tilt Shift Time Lapse: combining two styles of photography that I'm fascinated by with beautiful music and New York. This is making me glad my friend Bethany is back on Facebook.
Treasures for the day:
Poetry Bombing (via Booooooom!) Thanks for the call out Jessica.
Tilt Shift Time Lapse: combining two styles of photography that I'm fascinated by with beautiful music and New York. This is making me glad my friend Bethany is back on Facebook.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wabi Sabi
Wabi Sabi is a Japanese principle of simplicity and imperfection. From Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson who summarize it nicely in the chapter "No One Likes Plastic Flowers":
"Wabi Sabi values character and uniqueness over a shiny facade. It teaches that cracks and scratches in things should be embraced. It's also about simplicity. You strip things down and then use what you have."
I'm finding this short but beautiful article on Leonard Koren inspiring. It makes me want to go out and do photo essays on cracks (of which there are plenty in Oakland), small shops and their owners, and graffiti art around my neighborhood.
Also, the preview listen of Bon Iver's new album is up at the New York Times and NPR today, finally. I like it. Though like all of his stuff, there's an internal love of it, but it takes time for my mind to wrap around the acoustics. It's so simple at it's core, and yet he layers things in such a way that I have to really listen to it a few times before I "get" it.
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