Fun. I've heard that before.

So I had an encounter recently, a kind of heart to heart with someone. I'm calling it a heart to heart because I exposed certain parts of who I am to this person, as a bit of a personal push to be more honest with myself and others this year. To admit to my own insecurities and to own my own brilliance. It felt good to connect.

I've been joking with people about it though, because if a dog could bark up a wrong tree, this tree would be the wrong one for me.

This heart to heart was important for a few reasons. Sometimes you heal through physical action, sometimes you readjust due to a conversation you have.

The conversation has taken a lot of turns. I'm interested and curious about this person.

I think if I could assign one word for this person's philosophy on life this year it could be summed up by the word "Fun". Since I met them I have been resisting this idea of fun, due to the fear of my own anxiety issues and some other things. But I'm thinking about it hard. And I get it. Easy. Fun. Spending time with someone you like and laugh a lot with, flirting, making out, getting laid on a regular basis. Fun. Fun is good. I like fun.

And here's the thing: I've never approached a relationship from the fun angle. I'm a fun person. So why not? Fun. Relaxed. Anxiety free. Right. Right. Ok. Learning new things. Add it to the goals of the year. I better go burn one for the intention pile.

Update:

After frantically searching for friends to talk about this with, I ended up making a facebook post to get some perspective from the masses. What ensued was an amazing conversation that shed a lot of light on a lot of different things for me.

I've been trying to reread it when I have a minute, because it's a lot to absorb, and it's the kind of conversation that afterwards leaves you with warm fuzzies because it just makes things seem really clear.

I'm going to try to summarize it, because it spanned the whole gammut of sex/relationship talk, from what fun means in a relationship and how it applies, to STDs, to polyamorous relationships. There was also a really interesting factor in the conversation, in that most of the participants were male. A few women posted comments, as did I, but it was really just interesting to watch the men interact with each other on the topic of what a relationship defined as "fun" was. It opened this whole can of worms.

We all basically agreed that relationships should be fun. What that means to people obviously differs according to preference, conditioning, and experience, thus knowing yourself and what you like out of a relationship is essential, and those things are up for challenge, growth, and evolution as you go along. Bottom line, if you are getting what you want out of a relationship, it's fun. Know what you want. Keep communication lines open, and be honest about what you want and how you feel. For me specifically, make sure you take the space and time you need to work things out and get to where you know what you want. Sometimes it takes a long time. That's ok. Verbalize feelings, expectations, needs, and wants. Don't hold so fast to desires, expectations, and projected outcomes, so that you can be open to what is going on in the relationship in the moment, be willing to experiment, be willing to get hurt, and expect to grow. Talk a lot. Kiss a lot. Have good sex, a lot...or as much as you like. Personally I like to go with: find someone who likes to have sex as much as you do, and then get good at it with each other.

Optimism, hope, joy, fun. Yeah. I can get on that train this year. 

2011

So many ways to start this post. 2011 was a rough one, no doubt, and usually when I have a tough year, the New Year is more about reflection and recovery, and less about celebration and joy.

I haven't actually given 2011 much reflection. In my mind it almost doesn't deserve the attention. That's not really fair, since a lot happened this year. As I've been watching the social media stream of people's celebrations of the New Year, it seems like everyone had things to celebrate, let go of, and struggle through this past year. I get the impression that 2011 was tough for a lot of people.

I'm not very good at short stories. And 2011 felt like an epic chapter of my life. It was a year where the resolution I always make: "Become more vulnerable", took turns I was not expecting and at times brought me to my knees with pain and pure terror. Sometimes, becoming more vulnerable hurts like a mother fucker.

I was homeless twice, and thus learned how to become ok with asking for and receiving help, affection, and space. I learned how much I am truly loved by more people then I imagined. I also learned who my true friends were, and learned to let go of the ones who made my hard times harder, rather than trying to support me.

This year I learned how to take care of myself emotionally. I completed the breakdown that began in late 2010, suffering physical pain, depression, stage fright, and panic attacks. I stopped singing and playing guitar for a long time. I learned to ride the panic attacks out, to be aware of what they were and allow the shaking to happen, and then to get up and go face what triggered them with all the awkwardness, grace, courage and laughter I could muster. I learned to recognize them, and I learned to talk about them to people who wouldn't judge me for them.

I found a therapist that taught me some new ways of processing my pain, and a new awareness of my body. I quit therapy in favor of travel, which turned out to help me more.

I ate a lot of 1 dollar grateful bowls at whole foods.

I struggled with staying, in a city I didn't want to be in, in a job that isolated me, with co-workers who wouldn't communicate, working with a product I loved, and a person who I loved but couldn't connect with. There was some healing that happened there, and it was enough. 

I lived in one of the most positive, honest, caring houses I've ever lived in, and learned how to cook a bit better in the process.

I completed two of the biggest projects of my life, passing on leadership to people who I trust and continue to mentor.

I finally got away from marketing and sales. Sometimes I miss it. Not very often though.

I finally saw Big Sur. I would have stayed forever.

I gave up on Tahoe.

I found a job that fit me, in Point Reyes, close enough to travel to Oakland, surrounded by trees and animals, far enough to remove myself from the things that were overwhelming me: Too much noise, too much violence, too many people. Now, when I go back, it is a happy kind of thing, rather than a stressful kind of thing, and feeling less attached to Oakland, I've spent more time in the City than I have in the past. It also helps that I have money to spend.

I was arrested the night Oakland took over the ports for the first time. I was sitting on the ground, holding a stranger's hand. I came to stop fires and talk people out of throwing rocks. I was told by my arresting officer that if I did not put my face on the ground I would be hit until I did. I was not resisting him. I find riot police to be terrifying, tear gas to be painful, prison to be heartbreaking, and non-lethal weapons horrifying. The occupy movement gives me hope, but also causes me anxiety. When I hear riot police are present, I want to throw up. If I go to another protest, I fear my anger at being threatened will over ride my ability to see police as human beings.

I quit looking for romantic love. Not just in all the wrong places, but pretty much entirely. I am so loved by my friends, I truly enjoy my own company, and I've grown to respect myself in a way that I never have before, and all of that only makes me feel more independent, less needful.

I am powerfully content. I am deeply happy. If this is peace, I will soak it up and store it in my bones.

Being here washes all the noise away. I have a frog who serenades me at night. He has yet to tell me his name. I leave the window open and listen to the tree outside, the birds singing their songs, and I wake up with the sun. I stand on hilltops and enjoy the view. I climb rocks and trees, I scream into the ocean, and then I scream out of it, I run in the sand, I listen to the sound my feet make, I pick up rocks worn by the waves and sticks covered in moss, I find caves to sit in, and I follow deer trails through the brush and along the cliffs.

To ring in the new year, I invited friends to come out and celebrate with me. They came with food and laughter and their love for each other and for me. We had a bonfire on the beach, where we burned and let go of the worst  of 2011, and set our intentions for 2012 on fire. We hummed Auld Lang Syne because we didn't know the words. We watched the moon set in bright red. It was the best New Year I've had in a long time. Maybe not the wildest, but definitely the best. 

My life is beautiful. My work is enough. My own company is enough. I have just enough things. I have more housing then I know what to do with. I have enough even to have a little extra to share. Welcome to 2012. Este sera mi ano.

Occupy My Pants

Gah. I need to start taking pictures at the hostel of my favorite guests and some of the stuff that goes down here. I also need a computer of my own, so I don't have to do this on the office computer. Someday, these things will happen.

In the mean time: I spent Christmas out at the hostel. I was a little sad to miss the Oakland festivities, but I was afraid I would get overwhelmed while I was there like I did the last time I was down that way. I ended up having a really relaxing four days, went on two long hikes, cleared my head up and then had a blast christmas night with the guests that had come out. I made some new friends and sang songs and played guitar and laughed real hard.  Favorites: A couple from the bay area, she worked on scrap booking and gave me some occupy pins before she left, he asked a lot of questions about Cilantro. I had made their reservation and spoke to him over the phone, and apparently they had been asking for me, and he was really excited to meet me. She told me, "He's been so excited! The whole way up here he was all, 'My friend Ashley...'" I laughed and looked at him, and I said, "Yeah new friend! High Five!". He was stoked. They basically weren't having any of the silent oppression of the common area on Christmas night, and they truly made it a night.

The next day my favorite Texans came out with cobbler and a band shirt, and the ugly mom scarf. I'll come back and post pictures of this scarf as soon as I can, because it is truly something to behold. Really. It's a genius masterpiece of ugly.

Last night we had an arborist staying at the hostel, who happened to be a good friend of a previous landlord of mine, who was also here. This is a fine example of how small my world is getting and how it attacks me at random at my work. Anyways, apparently, you can compete at anything, including Arboristism. No, this is not a real word. I made it up, however, competing as an arborist is in fact a real thing, and this is the stuff I love my job for. How else would I know that you could compete in tree climbing/trimming competitions? Note: This is NOT a lumberjack competition. I mean, damn, just look at this guy:

Is this not honey badger status? I think so.

I have some friends coming up for New Years Eve. I'm hoping rain doesn't dampen our party, I really want to take them all out to the beach for the rise of the New Year.

Redneck Bicyclist

And also, Merry Christmas!

For once, I have had money to spend on Christmas gifts. I paid off my school bill, I bought Christmas gifts, I made a ton of gifts, and frankly, I'm pretty stoked about this whole Christmas thing this year. Though, admittedly, most of my gifts will be sent late, since I got them kind of late, and they still need to be wrapped and packed.

Sad news this week, Warren Hellman, who has put on the amazing Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival for the past 10 years, passed away this week. If every billionaire spent his money like that, the world would sound beautiful.

I thought I was a horse person. Turns out no, I am a bicycle person. I have moved far away from the hustle of Oakland, and I am in the woods with no cell phone service, no phone, little contact with the outside world, and yet I can end up making friends with one of the highest level directors of Safe Routes to Schools, because he chose to bring his family here on his two week vacation, instead of to a fancy hotel. His kids are rad, his wife is awesome, and he was fun to talk to and play music with. They were so Portland. I saw the future of my friends right before my eyes. I don't even know how I ended up in this world, except that sitting in a park when I was 24, I said to myself on a whim, after seeing a messenger fixed gear riding type, that THAT was who I wanted to be, who I wanted to hang out with, and how I wanted to get around. And today, here I am.

He also looks like an old sailing instructor I know, who happened to start one of the more successful community bike shops in Portland a decade and more ago, only director guy is significantly shorter than sailing instructor. Also, there must be some Portland specific affliction that causes 40 year old ish men to grow soul patches. I don't get it.

When I was talking to my dad about possibly visiting Texas, he asked why I would want to go there?
"It's full of Rednecks!"
I told him I wanted to go there BECAUSE of the rednecks.
"Well", he huffed. "I don't know why."
"Well because I come from a family of rednecks and I'm more comfortable around them."
He looked at me and said, "You think I'M a redneck?"
I raised my eyebrows at him in the classic "Really?" style.
He goes, "Yeah, I'm a redneck...hehehehe" (really, my dad laughs like that.)
Then we got into talking about bike shops and he told me he wanted to make me a t-shirt.
"Yeah? Of what?" 
"It would say Redneck Bicyclist!" He's a genius.

I told this to my Texan friends later, and they laughed and said it would go over really well. Sincerely. We decided iron on letters on a white t-shirt would be the best way to pull this off.

I'mma get me some.

Also, my amazing grandfather has been haunting me lately. Can't say I mind it, he was pretty awesome, but it's been interesting. And I don't mean haunting like he's flipping switches or doing weird things like he's a ghost, only that he's been on my mind a lot lately, more so than he has been in years, and it happened suddenly, and it started about two weeks ago. I'm not sure what's up with that.

I'm going to go for some hikes in the next few days and see if I can hear what it is I'm straining to hear so hard and settle my mind a bit.

A short synopsis on a five day weekend

Bam.

Update on Occupy Arrest Status: Still under investigation. I have to call back once a week until they decide what to do with me.

Five day break: Awesomeness:

EBBC Winter party made money and had a bunch of attendees and was really fun this year! Yay EBBC!

SF Bike Party was a blast: Space dress was amazing, the ride was great.

Aaron guided partial tour of the city, hilarious.

OCSC Sailing Christmas Party: Weird, in that I saw a bunch of people I used to know, but didn't get to see the people I most wanted to see.

Pelican Inn beer: Delicious. The band was pretty cool, and they let me and another audience member sing Wagon Wheel and then told me to sing another one and then told me to come back and sing with them again sometime.

Fentons: Deliciousness.

Sunday sleep in, very nice. Picked up some much needed crafty things at the Depot, and then Picked up my own christmas tree makings at the  christmas tree place, and then watched braveheart on projector screen.

Monday family shopping trip, also hilarious.

I haven't laughed as much as I did this weekend in a while.

This Will Surely Prove to my Family I'm a Hippy

Sad news today, Cafe Gratitude is closing it's northern California stores. I didn't know they had so many. But this means an end to the amazing grateful bowl, which fed me a bit when I was very poor, for very cheap, and which I pay as much as I can for now that I have money. I'm probably going to miss the green sauce they make the most. They basically make a rice bowl of black beans, brown rice, kale, and this green sauce, and it's delicious:

It's my favorite. Apparently I need to find the recipe for that green sauce. I think probably it's avocado based. Plus I love Kale. And look! Here's a guy in Vermont who makes Kale and Cheese related T-shirts and hoodies:

Eat More Kale!

I just found 100 Years of Solitude on the bookshelf here at the hostel. I'm stoked. This bumps up my pile of books to 5: Green Mars by Kim Robinson, Feast of Crows by George Martin, South America Lonely Planet Guide, New Zealand Lonely Planet guide, and now 100 Years of Solitude. Yeah, I know, that's a lot of books. I keep thinking they should be going faster, but Green Mars is heavy on science talk, and Feast of Crows is heavy on historical politics, so even though I'm thoroughly engrossed the reading is slow. The travel books are browsers right now. I'll get to the planning later. 100 Years, well now, I might wait to start that one after I've finished Green Mars or Feast of Crows. I know this is all facinating to you.

Maybe more interesting was my reading list for the day. I started at Occupy Oakland on Facebook, out of curiosity for what the movement is doing in my town after reading a synopsis of the minutes of the most recent GA that a friend posted up. I will admit that I'm disheartened by the co-opting of the movement in Oakland by some overly radical characters. We need more balanced view points at the GAs!

My foray onto the page led me to an article talking about the movement getting co-opted for the democratic party. It's decidedly and admittedly one sided, but it led me to an article by a man who used to be an accountant for the IMF, or for those who don't know, the International Monetary Fund. These guys are the biggest bank in the world, and they bail out countries who have no where else to turn. The IMF is also kind of evil on some other levels, but this is basically a general economic and history lesson related to debt laden countries. The quote that led me to this article from the one on Slate?

"Squeezing the oligarchs, though, is seldom the strategy of choice among emerging-market governments. Quite the contrary: at the outset of the crisis, the oligarchs are usually among the first to get extra help from the government, such as preferential access to foreign currency, or maybe a nice tax break, or—here’s a classic Kremlin bailout technique—the assumption of private debt obligations by the government. Under duress, generosity toward old friends takes many innovative forms. Meanwhile, needing to squeeze someone, most emerging-market governments look first to ordinary working folk—at least until the riots grow too large."



Oligarchy: a government in which a small group exercises control especially for corrupt and selfish purposes; also : a group exercising such control (I do the work so you don't have to!)

 I read an article on the daily Kos:

To the black bloc "anarchists", F*** OFF! This is "Occupy", NOT "Destroy"

Which led me to also read an open letter to the Black Bloc at Occupy Oakland on Indy Bay, which articulated my own frustration with what happened on my side the night of the General Strike.

"An Open Letter to the Black Bloc and Others Concerning Wednesday's Tactics in Oakland"

My last bit of reading? Well I've been a bit concerned over the National Defense Authorization Act, which is a huge bill with a couple scary small provisions. Today the bill was voted on and passed the senate. Here's a right wing view on what's wrong with this bill from Politico:

"Opinion: Matters of Injustice"

On a side note: I was told once by a friend that the Mahna Mahna song from the muppets was originally a swedish porn song. I told this to my friends after we went to see the Muppets on Thanksgiving, and it turns out someone actually did a whole overview of the origination of the song on Slate. Italian soft core porn about swedish snow bunny babes in a sauna is where the song actually first originated. Good to know weird information for the future.

Snowths & Mahna Mahna photograph by John E. Barrett. © The Muppets Studio, LLC. © Disney Enterprises. All Rights Reserved. (I figured I ought to cover my butt with this picture, namean?)  OH! And thanksgiving! So much fooooood! I did lunch with the fam, and got to see my amazing grandmother who I adore, and talk music, bikes, and fantasy fiction with my Uncle, who then gave me a burned CD of an awesome Bob Dylan Bootleg from 1960, Sam Cooke live at the Harlem Cafe (?), and some more Holy Modal Rounders full of bad harmonizing. And THEN he gave me the first two books of the Wheel of Time series, which was recommended by a new friend.  After family lunch, I had friend dinner. Two turkeys. at least 15 side dishes, (Highlights? Duck with Pomegranate Sauce, persian, and Mole, mexican) and I don't even know how many desserts. Here's a picture of the desserts for reference on what kind of feast this was: 

  That's me in the corner photobombing. Three photobombs later of the same picture I managed to get my face shoved into the beautiful bird cake in the lower right corner. And then Doug photobombed the next picture just for good measure. Moral: I love my Oakland people, and I love feasting, and we had a ton of fun at dinner, and always photobomb!
Then I took the bruise crew in a friend of a friend's van out to the movies. We saw the Muppets. Duh. And it was awesome. I wore an animal costume and scared a very large man behind the snack counter so bad he broke out in a cold sweat and the shakes. I sat with a giant grin on my face the whole movie. Best Thanksgiving EVER.
Work has been easy the last few days, very slow, so lots of laundry has been done. Tomorrow it's bleaching the linens and the mattress covers for the new building. Facinating, no?
Break time was all sunshine today. I threw on my wetsuit, rode my bike down coast trail, right through the giant puddle, skirted up a dune, landed on the beach but didn't swim because i was afraid of the waves and maybe sharks and I was all alone at the beach. If I'd been eaten or swept out to sea no one would know! I played it safe and only went in as far as I could touch, then took off the suit and napped in the sun for about an hour before riding back, just as the fog was rolling in. I love it here. Even on foggy days I think it's super beautiful. It's not the mountains, but it'll do.  Update: I just read a blog that told me to look out for stinging nettle jellyfish! The ocean is SCARY!

Courage

So it's been a while since I posted a gratitude list, so here we go:

Things I'm grateful for:

1. Rainbows
2. The way California smells
3. People you meet and who light up your life for a brief moment, who become your five hour friends, never to see you again.
4. Occupy Wall Street
5. Shooting stars and the Milky Way
6. Being able to hear birds and wind instead of traffic and helicopters
7. This poem by Josh Healey: When Hope Comes Back
8. Muddy feet late night adventures
9. Courage
10. Perspective
11. Campus protesters at Berkeley and Davis, and people present documenting what happened to them. My heart breaks when I see it, and I'm inspired by their courage to remain non-violent against such brutality.