Blog Move!

Hi! This blog has moved! Packed up and MOVED! Check it out over at ashtreeandrose.wordpress.com . Safe travels, friends! <3

It Deserves a Post

I've been having some really fantastic conversations with a new friend lately. A big theme in our most recent conversations has been slowing down. We're incredibly similar people, and it's really interesting to have conversations with her, because I'm feeling like I'm getting things out of my own head (I talk to myself a lot when I hike) and getting feedback from someone else, infusion of different ideas and a different perspective, which can be totally helpful. I probably still need to go on a solitary hike to hash all of it out in my own brain, but I like the infusion of outside perspective building on concepts I'm already working on.

So anyways, this slowing down thing: SO IMPORTANT. For so long, I've been rushing from place to place, idea to idea, job to job, rush rush rush rush rush. I'm known for making full on 180 degree turns in my life direction at the drop of a hat. So much so that a friend exclaimed when she saw me after a few months and many life changes on my parts (Yes, many life changes in a few months. Long story.) "I can't believe the way you change directions. It's incredible. One minute you're heading in one direction and the next it's a completely different one!" This is an old habit. I enjoy it, but it's stressful.

So, part of a long process of changing habits has been being out here at Point Reyes working. It started with "I need to get out of Oakland". It progressed to "I want to live somewhere beautiful where I can see and smell trees every day.". From there, Point Reyes. Here, I've been working on all kinds of things: Confidence. Health, physical and emotional. Music. Courage to play and sing in front of people. Friendships. Slowly, ever so slowly, romantic relationships. Being happy.

I'm embracing slow as part of my happiness program. It's something I was begging for last year in the height of my stressed out moments. It's something I swore I'd ask for in my next romance. It's something I promised myself. It's something I'm feeling I'm getting to.

My new friend is being a great example. She's taken note, and I'm watching her really slow down her thought process and take time to consider things. I think a really important part of this slowing down thing is to remember to experiment with actions in the midst of this slowing. To try certain things I've tried before in different circumstances that might work better, and to try new things, and in between all of it, take time to process what's going on, what I'm feeling, figure out what to keep and what to throw away.

Note to readers: My health insurance kicks in just a week from now, and I plan on starting therapy up again right away to work through some stuff I'm not sure I can totally get through on my own but that has been recently brought to my attention. I'm pretty excited about it.

Also, one of my all time favorite quotes is "Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away." It was something John Steinbeck said in a letter to his son about love. I had no idea until today. We get full pictures when we're ready I suppose, and everything happens for a reason. I love this. 

Well Hey There Sunshine

So I was standing in line getting my groceries rung up at Palace Market today, and it came up to something like $75. Remember back about four months ago when I was counting change to see if I could buy food that day and going without so that I could afford something else almost more important? Yeah. Me too. So I handed the guy my card, calculating in my head how much I had in my bank account, which was, decidedly, on the right side of more than enough.

I got in my co-worker's car, and sat in silence most of the way home. My first thought was that in two pay periods I will have ten times the money I've had in my bank account at any one time in the last 29 years of my life. My second thought was a little bit of a tear jerking blast of pure gratitude. My life is, for the first time, full of abundance. And not fleeting abundance, but true, steady abundance. Anyone who says money can't buy happiness, has obviously never lived in poverty, because when you work your ass off and still can't pay all your bills, there's no time for feeding yourself well and no money to buy clothes that look good, no room for joy because the stress of making it day to day trumps out any other emotion.

Thinking all of this I stopped, and I said a little gratitude prayer:

Dear universe, Please don't let me forget what it felt like to be poor so that when my bank account has more money than I need I can be generous. Please don't let me forget what it felt like to be homeless and hungry, so that now, when I have a roof over my head and food in my belly, I remember to share it. Please let me remember illness, so that when I am as healthy as I am now, I remember that life is a precious thing, that public health care kept me alive, and that every struggle, every surgery, every scar, attachment, modification, and curve of my body is precious, a source of strength, and the reason I am still alive today. Please let me remember how hard, heart breaking, lonely, joyful and fun being single can be, so that when the right person comes along, I will carry with me the joy and the fun, leave the rest behind, and never take them for granted. Thank you for this abundance.

Six months ago I couldn't have dreamed this level of good in my life was even possible. Still soaking it up.

One Word For The Year 2012

It's 1:18 in the morning, after my Monday, and I have three more days to go. My Tuesday is going to be a 14 hour day. I should be asleep.

Problem is, I'm a night person. I do all my best thinking after work.

Brene Brown is a hero of mine. She set upon me a challenge in a recent blog post: Choose one word for the year. Unknowingly, last year I had chosen Vulnerable, like I have done for years. Vulnerable is a hard lesson to learn for someone like me, and no doubt, it's a life long challenge.

But this year is different. This year I decided to go with something else. For the first time in a long time, in fact, maybe as long as I can remember, I am healthy, and more importantly happy, and was through the entire holiday season. This is not the norm. It started in November. And This year, I went into New Year's with an attitude of peace, and joy, and love, and happiness.

When I read the post by Brene, and subsequent posts by some other people, I decided I needed to figure out what my word was. I've tossed around a few, and I think "happy" is really MY word for this year. I've already had to make a couple of really hard decisions, that are pretty hard to stick to considering my free and impulsive nature, but the thing is, those choices were based on what was going to make me happy, not in the moment, but in the long run. And the universe is conspiring to keep those decisions solid. I can't argue with that. I mean, it's pretty hard to fight the universe.

So what does happy mean for me? Well, I think it means taking care of myself. Doing things as if I deserve the things I want (Note: Deserving something is different than feeling entitled to it.). It means being brutally honest with people about who I am, what I want, what I like, what I can offer, what I can't, and what I don't like. It means being ok with it when I trip, or when I pause, or when I take a step or two backwards. It means being courageous in certain ways I'm not used to. It means being patient in ways I'm not used to. It means admitting how bad I am at certain things, to myself and others, laughing about it, and continuing to try in spite of it. (It's funny how certain friends can encourage you in ways they don't even realize. I have a friend who's been saying "We're real bad at this" for the last few months in a joking way, but still kind of serious. It makes it easier to admit it when it's true.) I've always been so good at loving the awkwardness and missteps of other people, or loving them through their awkward and graceless moments, and yet I've always been so hard on myself for the same things. I want to love my missteps, trip ups, and awkwardness as much as I love other people's. I think that is key to my happiness.

Big important thing about happiness: It means setting boundaries that are good for me, and adhering to them.

So many things are tied up in this thing with boundaries: boundaries with my money (now that I have it, I'm prone to giving it away) boundaries with my time, my energy, my heart. I'm very intentionally making choices that are basically forcing me to be conscious about these things. Tonight I'm obviously violating a boundary with my time and energy by staying up far too late to write this, but it's been on my mind all day.

The final thing about this post: Last year I read a book that helped me tremendously in my vulnerability quest, and it was given to me by a friend. It made me cry. Hard. And it expanded my world and my wisdom. This year I have a book I need to read to. It's called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Ruben. I've been avoiding it like the plague since I heard about it. I can't really tell you why, but I think it's time. It's sitting on the shelf in the staff housing. I start reading it in the afternoon. I'm nervous, and I'm not going to lie, I'm still resisting it a little. I'll do a full book report when I'm done. Ok, maybe just a quick summary. And with that, the rain has stopped and I must go sleep.

Spirit Things

As the old saying goes: When it rains it pours and it's raining down cold and hard out here at Point Reyes today. We had a big group of Boy Scouts that basically took over the whole place, and they were super adorable in the way that well behaved gangly teenagers are really fun to watch be excited about things. Talked to a guest for a while about why I left the hectic life of the city and sales and marketing, and what he does out in Silicon Valley, after having spent a life traveling and being relatively outdoorsy. As a matter of fact, he actually is starting up a pretty cool website for families who want an online guide for outdoor centered travel with kids, called Let's Go Exploring. He also runs workshops and does reviews of pretty cool places that are family friendly and makes some pretty great kids packs. He goes by Glyph Guy. We'll let him keep that trail name. :)



My best bay friend was up visiting last night. We had a day of excellent food and great conversation, as always. She was a little off put by my window sill decorations. Mostly it's sticks and driftwood and rocks I've picked up from around the beaches here and other places I've been in the last few months, but there are some bones, particularly, a skull and a couple of feathers of a cormorant bird, a deer spine, a sand dollar, some pieces of mussel and abalone shells, vertebrae of a seal, and a bird femur. She asked me why I had them, and I told her they were my "Spirit Things". You know, because I live in nature and stuff. At some point she asked me what kinds of dreams they were sending me. I'm not very superstitious or fruity, I don't think, and so I told her they weren't those kinds of spirit things. I do like having them around though. Maybe it's that they make me feel more grounded or connected to something larger than myself. I don't know. And then I had a dream last night that was pretty vivid and kind of related to my spirit things. Ah the power of suggestion.

Quotes of 2011

"Riffle Rabble!" (Said to Matty, as I woke up, in a tent, in Yosemite, in May)

"Sometimes a bridge is just a highway in disguise." (A joke off of a joke)

"This too shall pass."

"We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us." Charles Bukowski

"The Laughing Heart" by Charles Bukowski. I mean the whole poem.

"I shall have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love, love, love, above all. Love as there has never been in a play. Unbiddable, ungovernable, like a riot in the heart and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture." —Tom Stoppard

"#11. Destruction is a variant of done." The Cult of Done Manifesto

‘Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket to protect you.’ --Hafiz

"When I say it's you I like, I'm talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed." - Fred Rogers

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." —Gilda Radner, 'Delicious Ambiguity'

"Remember, remember always that all of us, and you and I especially, are descended from immigrants and revolutionaries." Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes." Walt Whitman

Yeah Girl. Get It.

So, I'm such an incredible bike nerd, and Hark, A Vagrant, which is one of my favorite webcomics of all time, has posted this awesomeness for the new year.

I'm shamelessly stealing all of her links, because I love them. Indeed Kate, there is nothing better than cartoons. Especially ones about bikes, and even better, ones about ladies rebelling by riding bikes. Thank you for 331, it's officially my favorite, though that one with the duck saying "Aw Yiss, some mothafuckin' bread crumbs" is still pretty good. 

Also, free books on Google! Velocipede book for free especially? Especially. Punctuation issues today. Too much excitement.

I picked it.

Grateful party!

1. Bike Party party stops. Where the masses accumulate, get off their bikes, and dance.
2. Good friends who make me laugh and let me borrow bikes and sleep on their couches and cook me breakfast with short notice.
3. Confidence returning full force, all that heart stuff I worked so hard for, for so long, that I thought was ruined, and realizing that it will come back if I misplace it again. I still have moments (who doesn't?) but nothing even remotely near the panic I was having last year.
4. Knowing what I want, and what I can offer in return.
5. Creating my year. It's been interesting to watch things forming around my set intentions.
6. Joy, mine and yours. Knowing it's all over my face by the smiles reflected back at me everywhere I go.
7. Money in my bank, and thus, bills getting paid with far less stress and worry than at just about any point in the past twelve years.
8. Webcomics. Particularly: Exploding Dog, XKCD, Dinosaur Comics, and Hark A Vagrant. So funny all the time, but even more so when I'm happy. 
9. Men who smile and wave at me from canopies of big trees early in the morning. (Ok, this only happened once, but it was still great and I'm still stoked that it happened.)
10. Sunburnt hair

Fun. I've heard that before.

So I had an encounter recently, a kind of heart to heart with someone. I'm calling it a heart to heart because I exposed certain parts of who I am to this person, as a bit of a personal push to be more honest with myself and others this year. To admit to my own insecurities and to own my own brilliance. It felt good to connect.

I've been joking with people about it though, because if a dog could bark up a wrong tree, this tree would be the wrong one for me.

This heart to heart was important for a few reasons. Sometimes you heal through physical action, sometimes you readjust due to a conversation you have.

The conversation has taken a lot of turns. I'm interested and curious about this person.

I think if I could assign one word for this person's philosophy on life this year it could be summed up by the word "Fun". Since I met them I have been resisting this idea of fun, due to the fear of my own anxiety issues and some other things. But I'm thinking about it hard. And I get it. Easy. Fun. Spending time with someone you like and laugh a lot with, flirting, making out, getting laid on a regular basis. Fun. Fun is good. I like fun.

And here's the thing: I've never approached a relationship from the fun angle. I'm a fun person. So why not? Fun. Relaxed. Anxiety free. Right. Right. Ok. Learning new things. Add it to the goals of the year. I better go burn one for the intention pile.

Update:

After frantically searching for friends to talk about this with, I ended up making a facebook post to get some perspective from the masses. What ensued was an amazing conversation that shed a lot of light on a lot of different things for me.

I've been trying to reread it when I have a minute, because it's a lot to absorb, and it's the kind of conversation that afterwards leaves you with warm fuzzies because it just makes things seem really clear.

I'm going to try to summarize it, because it spanned the whole gammut of sex/relationship talk, from what fun means in a relationship and how it applies, to STDs, to polyamorous relationships. There was also a really interesting factor in the conversation, in that most of the participants were male. A few women posted comments, as did I, but it was really just interesting to watch the men interact with each other on the topic of what a relationship defined as "fun" was. It opened this whole can of worms.

We all basically agreed that relationships should be fun. What that means to people obviously differs according to preference, conditioning, and experience, thus knowing yourself and what you like out of a relationship is essential, and those things are up for challenge, growth, and evolution as you go along. Bottom line, if you are getting what you want out of a relationship, it's fun. Know what you want. Keep communication lines open, and be honest about what you want and how you feel. For me specifically, make sure you take the space and time you need to work things out and get to where you know what you want. Sometimes it takes a long time. That's ok. Verbalize feelings, expectations, needs, and wants. Don't hold so fast to desires, expectations, and projected outcomes, so that you can be open to what is going on in the relationship in the moment, be willing to experiment, be willing to get hurt, and expect to grow. Talk a lot. Kiss a lot. Have good sex, a lot...or as much as you like. Personally I like to go with: find someone who likes to have sex as much as you do, and then get good at it with each other.

Optimism, hope, joy, fun. Yeah. I can get on that train this year. 

2011

So many ways to start this post. 2011 was a rough one, no doubt, and usually when I have a tough year, the New Year is more about reflection and recovery, and less about celebration and joy.

I haven't actually given 2011 much reflection. In my mind it almost doesn't deserve the attention. That's not really fair, since a lot happened this year. As I've been watching the social media stream of people's celebrations of the New Year, it seems like everyone had things to celebrate, let go of, and struggle through this past year. I get the impression that 2011 was tough for a lot of people.

I'm not very good at short stories. And 2011 felt like an epic chapter of my life. It was a year where the resolution I always make: "Become more vulnerable", took turns I was not expecting and at times brought me to my knees with pain and pure terror. Sometimes, becoming more vulnerable hurts like a mother fucker.

I was homeless twice, and thus learned how to become ok with asking for and receiving help, affection, and space. I learned how much I am truly loved by more people then I imagined. I also learned who my true friends were, and learned to let go of the ones who made my hard times harder, rather than trying to support me.

This year I learned how to take care of myself emotionally. I completed the breakdown that began in late 2010, suffering physical pain, depression, stage fright, and panic attacks. I stopped singing and playing guitar for a long time. I learned to ride the panic attacks out, to be aware of what they were and allow the shaking to happen, and then to get up and go face what triggered them with all the awkwardness, grace, courage and laughter I could muster. I learned to recognize them, and I learned to talk about them to people who wouldn't judge me for them.

I found a therapist that taught me some new ways of processing my pain, and a new awareness of my body. I quit therapy in favor of travel, which turned out to help me more.

I ate a lot of 1 dollar grateful bowls at whole foods.

I struggled with staying, in a city I didn't want to be in, in a job that isolated me, with co-workers who wouldn't communicate, working with a product I loved, and a person who I loved but couldn't connect with. There was some healing that happened there, and it was enough. 

I lived in one of the most positive, honest, caring houses I've ever lived in, and learned how to cook a bit better in the process.

I completed two of the biggest projects of my life, passing on leadership to people who I trust and continue to mentor.

I finally got away from marketing and sales. Sometimes I miss it. Not very often though.

I finally saw Big Sur. I would have stayed forever.

I gave up on Tahoe.

I found a job that fit me, in Point Reyes, close enough to travel to Oakland, surrounded by trees and animals, far enough to remove myself from the things that were overwhelming me: Too much noise, too much violence, too many people. Now, when I go back, it is a happy kind of thing, rather than a stressful kind of thing, and feeling less attached to Oakland, I've spent more time in the City than I have in the past. It also helps that I have money to spend.

I was arrested the night Oakland took over the ports for the first time. I was sitting on the ground, holding a stranger's hand. I came to stop fires and talk people out of throwing rocks. I was told by my arresting officer that if I did not put my face on the ground I would be hit until I did. I was not resisting him. I find riot police to be terrifying, tear gas to be painful, prison to be heartbreaking, and non-lethal weapons horrifying. The occupy movement gives me hope, but also causes me anxiety. When I hear riot police are present, I want to throw up. If I go to another protest, I fear my anger at being threatened will over ride my ability to see police as human beings.

I quit looking for romantic love. Not just in all the wrong places, but pretty much entirely. I am so loved by my friends, I truly enjoy my own company, and I've grown to respect myself in a way that I never have before, and all of that only makes me feel more independent, less needful.

I am powerfully content. I am deeply happy. If this is peace, I will soak it up and store it in my bones.

Being here washes all the noise away. I have a frog who serenades me at night. He has yet to tell me his name. I leave the window open and listen to the tree outside, the birds singing their songs, and I wake up with the sun. I stand on hilltops and enjoy the view. I climb rocks and trees, I scream into the ocean, and then I scream out of it, I run in the sand, I listen to the sound my feet make, I pick up rocks worn by the waves and sticks covered in moss, I find caves to sit in, and I follow deer trails through the brush and along the cliffs.

To ring in the new year, I invited friends to come out and celebrate with me. They came with food and laughter and their love for each other and for me. We had a bonfire on the beach, where we burned and let go of the worst  of 2011, and set our intentions for 2012 on fire. We hummed Auld Lang Syne because we didn't know the words. We watched the moon set in bright red. It was the best New Year I've had in a long time. Maybe not the wildest, but definitely the best. 

My life is beautiful. My work is enough. My own company is enough. I have just enough things. I have more housing then I know what to do with. I have enough even to have a little extra to share. Welcome to 2012. Este sera mi ano.

Occupy My Pants

Gah. I need to start taking pictures at the hostel of my favorite guests and some of the stuff that goes down here. I also need a computer of my own, so I don't have to do this on the office computer. Someday, these things will happen.

In the mean time: I spent Christmas out at the hostel. I was a little sad to miss the Oakland festivities, but I was afraid I would get overwhelmed while I was there like I did the last time I was down that way. I ended up having a really relaxing four days, went on two long hikes, cleared my head up and then had a blast christmas night with the guests that had come out. I made some new friends and sang songs and played guitar and laughed real hard.  Favorites: A couple from the bay area, she worked on scrap booking and gave me some occupy pins before she left, he asked a lot of questions about Cilantro. I had made their reservation and spoke to him over the phone, and apparently they had been asking for me, and he was really excited to meet me. She told me, "He's been so excited! The whole way up here he was all, 'My friend Ashley...'" I laughed and looked at him, and I said, "Yeah new friend! High Five!". He was stoked. They basically weren't having any of the silent oppression of the common area on Christmas night, and they truly made it a night.

The next day my favorite Texans came out with cobbler and a band shirt, and the ugly mom scarf. I'll come back and post pictures of this scarf as soon as I can, because it is truly something to behold. Really. It's a genius masterpiece of ugly.

Last night we had an arborist staying at the hostel, who happened to be a good friend of a previous landlord of mine, who was also here. This is a fine example of how small my world is getting and how it attacks me at random at my work. Anyways, apparently, you can compete at anything, including Arboristism. No, this is not a real word. I made it up, however, competing as an arborist is in fact a real thing, and this is the stuff I love my job for. How else would I know that you could compete in tree climbing/trimming competitions? Note: This is NOT a lumberjack competition. I mean, damn, just look at this guy:

Is this not honey badger status? I think so.

I have some friends coming up for New Years Eve. I'm hoping rain doesn't dampen our party, I really want to take them all out to the beach for the rise of the New Year.

Redneck Bicyclist

And also, Merry Christmas!

For once, I have had money to spend on Christmas gifts. I paid off my school bill, I bought Christmas gifts, I made a ton of gifts, and frankly, I'm pretty stoked about this whole Christmas thing this year. Though, admittedly, most of my gifts will be sent late, since I got them kind of late, and they still need to be wrapped and packed.

Sad news this week, Warren Hellman, who has put on the amazing Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival for the past 10 years, passed away this week. If every billionaire spent his money like that, the world would sound beautiful.

I thought I was a horse person. Turns out no, I am a bicycle person. I have moved far away from the hustle of Oakland, and I am in the woods with no cell phone service, no phone, little contact with the outside world, and yet I can end up making friends with one of the highest level directors of Safe Routes to Schools, because he chose to bring his family here on his two week vacation, instead of to a fancy hotel. His kids are rad, his wife is awesome, and he was fun to talk to and play music with. They were so Portland. I saw the future of my friends right before my eyes. I don't even know how I ended up in this world, except that sitting in a park when I was 24, I said to myself on a whim, after seeing a messenger fixed gear riding type, that THAT was who I wanted to be, who I wanted to hang out with, and how I wanted to get around. And today, here I am.

He also looks like an old sailing instructor I know, who happened to start one of the more successful community bike shops in Portland a decade and more ago, only director guy is significantly shorter than sailing instructor. Also, there must be some Portland specific affliction that causes 40 year old ish men to grow soul patches. I don't get it.

When I was talking to my dad about possibly visiting Texas, he asked why I would want to go there?
"It's full of Rednecks!"
I told him I wanted to go there BECAUSE of the rednecks.
"Well", he huffed. "I don't know why."
"Well because I come from a family of rednecks and I'm more comfortable around them."
He looked at me and said, "You think I'M a redneck?"
I raised my eyebrows at him in the classic "Really?" style.
He goes, "Yeah, I'm a redneck...hehehehe" (really, my dad laughs like that.)
Then we got into talking about bike shops and he told me he wanted to make me a t-shirt.
"Yeah? Of what?" 
"It would say Redneck Bicyclist!" He's a genius.

I told this to my Texan friends later, and they laughed and said it would go over really well. Sincerely. We decided iron on letters on a white t-shirt would be the best way to pull this off.

I'mma get me some.

Also, my amazing grandfather has been haunting me lately. Can't say I mind it, he was pretty awesome, but it's been interesting. And I don't mean haunting like he's flipping switches or doing weird things like he's a ghost, only that he's been on my mind a lot lately, more so than he has been in years, and it happened suddenly, and it started about two weeks ago. I'm not sure what's up with that.

I'm going to go for some hikes in the next few days and see if I can hear what it is I'm straining to hear so hard and settle my mind a bit.

A short synopsis on a five day weekend

Bam.

Update on Occupy Arrest Status: Still under investigation. I have to call back once a week until they decide what to do with me.

Five day break: Awesomeness:

EBBC Winter party made money and had a bunch of attendees and was really fun this year! Yay EBBC!

SF Bike Party was a blast: Space dress was amazing, the ride was great.

Aaron guided partial tour of the city, hilarious.

OCSC Sailing Christmas Party: Weird, in that I saw a bunch of people I used to know, but didn't get to see the people I most wanted to see.

Pelican Inn beer: Delicious. The band was pretty cool, and they let me and another audience member sing Wagon Wheel and then told me to sing another one and then told me to come back and sing with them again sometime.

Fentons: Deliciousness.

Sunday sleep in, very nice. Picked up some much needed crafty things at the Depot, and then Picked up my own christmas tree makings at the  christmas tree place, and then watched braveheart on projector screen.

Monday family shopping trip, also hilarious.

I haven't laughed as much as I did this weekend in a while.

This Will Surely Prove to my Family I'm a Hippy

Sad news today, Cafe Gratitude is closing it's northern California stores. I didn't know they had so many. But this means an end to the amazing grateful bowl, which fed me a bit when I was very poor, for very cheap, and which I pay as much as I can for now that I have money. I'm probably going to miss the green sauce they make the most. They basically make a rice bowl of black beans, brown rice, kale, and this green sauce, and it's delicious:

It's my favorite. Apparently I need to find the recipe for that green sauce. I think probably it's avocado based. Plus I love Kale. And look! Here's a guy in Vermont who makes Kale and Cheese related T-shirts and hoodies:

Eat More Kale!

I just found 100 Years of Solitude on the bookshelf here at the hostel. I'm stoked. This bumps up my pile of books to 5: Green Mars by Kim Robinson, Feast of Crows by George Martin, South America Lonely Planet Guide, New Zealand Lonely Planet guide, and now 100 Years of Solitude. Yeah, I know, that's a lot of books. I keep thinking they should be going faster, but Green Mars is heavy on science talk, and Feast of Crows is heavy on historical politics, so even though I'm thoroughly engrossed the reading is slow. The travel books are browsers right now. I'll get to the planning later. 100 Years, well now, I might wait to start that one after I've finished Green Mars or Feast of Crows. I know this is all facinating to you.

Maybe more interesting was my reading list for the day. I started at Occupy Oakland on Facebook, out of curiosity for what the movement is doing in my town after reading a synopsis of the minutes of the most recent GA that a friend posted up. I will admit that I'm disheartened by the co-opting of the movement in Oakland by some overly radical characters. We need more balanced view points at the GAs!

My foray onto the page led me to an article talking about the movement getting co-opted for the democratic party. It's decidedly and admittedly one sided, but it led me to an article by a man who used to be an accountant for the IMF, or for those who don't know, the International Monetary Fund. These guys are the biggest bank in the world, and they bail out countries who have no where else to turn. The IMF is also kind of evil on some other levels, but this is basically a general economic and history lesson related to debt laden countries. The quote that led me to this article from the one on Slate?

"Squeezing the oligarchs, though, is seldom the strategy of choice among emerging-market governments. Quite the contrary: at the outset of the crisis, the oligarchs are usually among the first to get extra help from the government, such as preferential access to foreign currency, or maybe a nice tax break, or—here’s a classic Kremlin bailout technique—the assumption of private debt obligations by the government. Under duress, generosity toward old friends takes many innovative forms. Meanwhile, needing to squeeze someone, most emerging-market governments look first to ordinary working folk—at least until the riots grow too large."



Oligarchy: a government in which a small group exercises control especially for corrupt and selfish purposes; also : a group exercising such control (I do the work so you don't have to!)

 I read an article on the daily Kos:

To the black bloc "anarchists", F*** OFF! This is "Occupy", NOT "Destroy"

Which led me to also read an open letter to the Black Bloc at Occupy Oakland on Indy Bay, which articulated my own frustration with what happened on my side the night of the General Strike.

"An Open Letter to the Black Bloc and Others Concerning Wednesday's Tactics in Oakland"

My last bit of reading? Well I've been a bit concerned over the National Defense Authorization Act, which is a huge bill with a couple scary small provisions. Today the bill was voted on and passed the senate. Here's a right wing view on what's wrong with this bill from Politico:

"Opinion: Matters of Injustice"

On a side note: I was told once by a friend that the Mahna Mahna song from the muppets was originally a swedish porn song. I told this to my friends after we went to see the Muppets on Thanksgiving, and it turns out someone actually did a whole overview of the origination of the song on Slate. Italian soft core porn about swedish snow bunny babes in a sauna is where the song actually first originated. Good to know weird information for the future.

Snowths & Mahna Mahna photograph by John E. Barrett. © The Muppets Studio, LLC. © Disney Enterprises. All Rights Reserved. (I figured I ought to cover my butt with this picture, namean?)  OH! And thanksgiving! So much fooooood! I did lunch with the fam, and got to see my amazing grandmother who I adore, and talk music, bikes, and fantasy fiction with my Uncle, who then gave me a burned CD of an awesome Bob Dylan Bootleg from 1960, Sam Cooke live at the Harlem Cafe (?), and some more Holy Modal Rounders full of bad harmonizing. And THEN he gave me the first two books of the Wheel of Time series, which was recommended by a new friend.  After family lunch, I had friend dinner. Two turkeys. at least 15 side dishes, (Highlights? Duck with Pomegranate Sauce, persian, and Mole, mexican) and I don't even know how many desserts. Here's a picture of the desserts for reference on what kind of feast this was: 

  That's me in the corner photobombing. Three photobombs later of the same picture I managed to get my face shoved into the beautiful bird cake in the lower right corner. And then Doug photobombed the next picture just for good measure. Moral: I love my Oakland people, and I love feasting, and we had a ton of fun at dinner, and always photobomb!
Then I took the bruise crew in a friend of a friend's van out to the movies. We saw the Muppets. Duh. And it was awesome. I wore an animal costume and scared a very large man behind the snack counter so bad he broke out in a cold sweat and the shakes. I sat with a giant grin on my face the whole movie. Best Thanksgiving EVER.
Work has been easy the last few days, very slow, so lots of laundry has been done. Tomorrow it's bleaching the linens and the mattress covers for the new building. Facinating, no?
Break time was all sunshine today. I threw on my wetsuit, rode my bike down coast trail, right through the giant puddle, skirted up a dune, landed on the beach but didn't swim because i was afraid of the waves and maybe sharks and I was all alone at the beach. If I'd been eaten or swept out to sea no one would know! I played it safe and only went in as far as I could touch, then took off the suit and napped in the sun for about an hour before riding back, just as the fog was rolling in. I love it here. Even on foggy days I think it's super beautiful. It's not the mountains, but it'll do.  Update: I just read a blog that told me to look out for stinging nettle jellyfish! The ocean is SCARY!

Courage

So it's been a while since I posted a gratitude list, so here we go:

Things I'm grateful for:

1. Rainbows
2. The way California smells
3. People you meet and who light up your life for a brief moment, who become your five hour friends, never to see you again.
4. Occupy Wall Street
5. Shooting stars and the Milky Way
6. Being able to hear birds and wind instead of traffic and helicopters
7. This poem by Josh Healey: When Hope Comes Back
8. Muddy feet late night adventures
9. Courage
10. Perspective
11. Campus protesters at Berkeley and Davis, and people present documenting what happened to them. My heart breaks when I see it, and I'm inspired by their courage to remain non-violent against such brutality.

MORE MILLI VANILLI!!!

Or: Occupying life.

First, let us start in the beginning when I had the flu and then an ear infection. I thought the ear infection was flu related, and it probably was, but then I discovered a piece of tooth that got left behind when I had my tooth pulled out in August. And then it fell out last week, and I said, well no wonder I had an ear infection. My hearing is almost back to normal. This is what happens when you have to use county medical because you don't have health insurance.


After recovering from flu and ear infection, I worked for a few more weeks. I did some protesting with Occupy Oakland. I participated in a Strike and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, next to filling the port with bicycles. I got arrested. I wouldn't say getting arrested was fun, but I'd do it again without thinking twice. Standing up for what you believe is a good thing, not something to be mocked from a couch, and while I know that not all police are corrupt, (in fact, my arresting officer was fairly nice to me after he calmed down) the Oakland PD is a particularly special case and the things I saw and heard from both the police and the prisoners in Santa Rita were extremely sad, and extremely dehumanizing. Brutal force on peaceful protesters is NEVER appropriate. I don't really know that people will ever truly understand that. And the minority of people destroying property does not mean that thousands of people should be tear gassed, beaten, and arrested. Oakland makes me nervous and excitable.

My original plan for getting out of the bay area had been to buy tickets to the east coast and then go on a South American adventure. My plans were put off so that I could accept a full time job out at Point Reyes. So now, I'm living in Point Reyes, at a beautiful hostel, making money, meeting cool people, folding laundry, mopping floors and cleaning out toilets. I honestly couldn't be happier. I'm visiting the bay area right now, picking up some warm weather stuff, some sheets for my bed, and transferring my bank accounts to a credit union. I have an orientation on Wednesday, then six 10-13 hour days before my next weekend. It's beautiful there. Pictures, well I'll post them soon.

Yesterday was Sunday, and the last day of the expo. I never plan things anymore, because my winging it mode works much better. So I wung it down to Cow Palace, and then friends found an xtracycle for me to ride on the back of, to a Family Dinner, where 20 people showed up, lots of kitchen dancing happened, many beers were drunk, and good, no, excellent food was consumed. At one point, Milli Vanilli was played, and then turned off, and then the shout came from the kitchen: MORE MILLI VANILLI!!! So we put on more milli vanilli, and then Toto, and then some 90's rap, which got karaoked to. Every time someone broke out in song, 10 people would back them up. I had crazy deja vu, and pretty much felt like these people could easily have been my friends. I had a blast and I'm pretty sure I made some new friends. This has been a successful trip, if only for last night. Can't wait to get back to the point though. I'm going to settle in for a while I think.

Shake Yo BluegrASS

Epic Bike Parking

Epic Beard

Favorite T-shirt

Air Guitar, with a real guitar...

Ginger babies playing bluegrass on stage for thousands of people

Rocking it.

Gillian Welch, David Rawlings. Favorites.

Festival picture!

So much good in this picture.

I believe this man's face sums up the entire Hardly Strictly experience.

Stress Makes me Lose Things

And cry a lot. The last 24 hours are no exception.

Hardly Strictly was awesome, super fun, I met fun people and danced a lot, and laughed a lot, and got a full dose of Tahoe love. It's always a hard thing to say goodbye to the people in my life from there, even if it's for not too long.

I definitely caught the flu at some point in the last few days. I don't honestly know if I caught it working last week, or if I caught it from the camp kids, since camp cold happens to be going around up there. Regardless, it makes me feel like death for at least 70% of the day. I've pretty much spent the whole day sleeping.

Yesterday the combination of feeling wicked sick, a little too sun burnt, and a little too tired, caused me to lose my wallet.

Disaster. I know. Trust me, I know. But the good news? Just as I was writing this, 311 called me to let me know that they'd found it! Awesome Sauce.

Also, I peed my pants. Not on purpose, and not for lack of trying to hold it. It's just that I downed about 3 liters of water in the last two hours of the festival, and we were walking to the beach (30 blocks) and I held it as long as I could, but there were no bathrooms! We finally crossed a park, and I found some good bushes, but I was JUST short of getting my shorts off before things started to flow. Luckily I had a tropical print towel and clean underwear in my bag. I should have brought the jeans. Who knew? Also, I had to pee ALOT on that walk, and it was by far one of the weirdest city walks I've ever done with a group of people.

I didn't sleep much because I'm pretty sure I have the flu. Plus I was upset that I'd lost my wallet, plus I was sad that the three lovely people sleeping on the floor were going to be taking off in a car without me in three hours. Not gonna lie, I cried a little, threw myself a little pity party, slept a little, woke up and helped them get stuff out to the car, hugged them hard, and tried to sleep a little more. What ended up happening is that I wasn't very good at sleeping, so I woke up at 4:30am, read, called the EBT people to cancel my EBT card (they are sending another one to replace it, probably they sent it today, but who knows really), and read.


There's been a lot of reading. Had to miss work today because of the sickness, and it looks the same for tomorrow too. I can't go out into the world and spread whatever this thing is.

Twain Harte

Gates to the wilderness, somewhere between the foothills and Twain Harte

Home for sale or rent! The lovely mountain home of the Williams family. Pond included.

English Geese, owning the pond

Elzy's Eagle, looking out over the pond from the deck

Mallards mate for life Jon. 

Basement bikes in the woods

Can you name this plant? It was basically growing wild as a ground cover, smelled sweet and was sticky.

Big sky.

Money Be Tight Yo.

Whoo boy, it's been a while since I posted anything up.

Things have most definitely led me down some crazy paths the last few weeks. From laughing with a family in Carson City, feeding cows and wine tasting in Placerville, to night time hikes with old and awkward friends, piano and big fire in the old lodge out at camp, lake sunrises and jumps, hitching a last minute ride to the Bay Area and changing ALL my plans in less than a minute, getting a job 3 days after arriving back in the bay, riding a bike 30 miles to pick up some stuff, then hitching a ride with a surfer/stoner/burner kid from Ukiah who got lost looking for the San Pablo exit in Oakland off of 80, to spending a night in Twain Harte with the pretty cool and very loving family of a man who is a very dear friend of mine.

I have joked with friends recently that my life has become a "Choose your own adventure" story book. I managed to hit a pile of vipers and got sent back to the start to try again, so here I am, back in Oakland, and working no less. (There's a lot I could say and won't about this situation. My best friends know what's up.)

To top it all off, Back in July I had applied for unemployment, and got rejected. Up in Tahoe, I reapplied, figuring it couldn't hurt to try again. Well, tonight I found out I was approved, finally, after three months and hardly any money. I should get my check at the end of this week if all goes according to plan.

Speaking of funds, here is the break down of my recent costs and bank account:

Medical Supplies: 140.00 (This is about what I paid when I had health insurance too, and might even be less than I paid when I had insurance, since I was also paying for insurance at the time. By the way, this is a scary position to be in, since I cannot get health insurance due to my pre-existing condition until 2013 unless my employer provides it, but that's a conversation for another day.)
Cell Phone: 52.00
New Cell Phone due to lost Charger: 12.71 (I could not find a charger for my old phone, and besides, all the chargers I could find cost 25.00 or more.)
CA ID: 26.00 (Mine has not been valid for a year and I lost my passport in Utah. If I want to get a real job, I'll need a valid ID, and a Social Security card, both of which are cheaper at the moment then replacing the passport.)
1 Coffee: 1.50

Total in Bank Account today, after all was said and done:

91.52

Bills that aren't getting paid this month:

School: 152.00
ER Bill from Kidney Stones: $2500 (It's unlikely this bill will get paid for sometime yet. And in the mean time it's accruing interest)

Things I cut out of my budget last month: Netflix and Drop Box for a total of 32.00.

Other things going on: I found holes in the one pair of jeans I own. My sweatshirt smells bad because I've worn it every day for the last two months (I wash it frequently). I lost my glasses in a lake in the wilderness. Well, lost is not really the right word for it. My glasses are sitting at the bottom of a lake in the wilderness, waiting for me to retrieve them some day. If anyone has a wetsuit and the ability to freedive to find them, please let me know.

Just a short comment on job applications: I've been sending several out in chunks when I have internet access. It's hard to do when you don't have a computer you know?