Blog Move!

Hi! This blog has moved! Packed up and MOVED! Check it out over at ashtreeandrose.wordpress.com . Safe travels, friends! <3

It Deserves a Post

I've been having some really fantastic conversations with a new friend lately. A big theme in our most recent conversations has been slowing down. We're incredibly similar people, and it's really interesting to have conversations with her, because I'm feeling like I'm getting things out of my own head (I talk to myself a lot when I hike) and getting feedback from someone else, infusion of different ideas and a different perspective, which can be totally helpful. I probably still need to go on a solitary hike to hash all of it out in my own brain, but I like the infusion of outside perspective building on concepts I'm already working on.

So anyways, this slowing down thing: SO IMPORTANT. For so long, I've been rushing from place to place, idea to idea, job to job, rush rush rush rush rush. I'm known for making full on 180 degree turns in my life direction at the drop of a hat. So much so that a friend exclaimed when she saw me after a few months and many life changes on my parts (Yes, many life changes in a few months. Long story.) "I can't believe the way you change directions. It's incredible. One minute you're heading in one direction and the next it's a completely different one!" This is an old habit. I enjoy it, but it's stressful.

So, part of a long process of changing habits has been being out here at Point Reyes working. It started with "I need to get out of Oakland". It progressed to "I want to live somewhere beautiful where I can see and smell trees every day.". From there, Point Reyes. Here, I've been working on all kinds of things: Confidence. Health, physical and emotional. Music. Courage to play and sing in front of people. Friendships. Slowly, ever so slowly, romantic relationships. Being happy.

I'm embracing slow as part of my happiness program. It's something I was begging for last year in the height of my stressed out moments. It's something I swore I'd ask for in my next romance. It's something I promised myself. It's something I'm feeling I'm getting to.

My new friend is being a great example. She's taken note, and I'm watching her really slow down her thought process and take time to consider things. I think a really important part of this slowing down thing is to remember to experiment with actions in the midst of this slowing. To try certain things I've tried before in different circumstances that might work better, and to try new things, and in between all of it, take time to process what's going on, what I'm feeling, figure out what to keep and what to throw away.

Note to readers: My health insurance kicks in just a week from now, and I plan on starting therapy up again right away to work through some stuff I'm not sure I can totally get through on my own but that has been recently brought to my attention. I'm pretty excited about it.

Also, one of my all time favorite quotes is "Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away." It was something John Steinbeck said in a letter to his son about love. I had no idea until today. We get full pictures when we're ready I suppose, and everything happens for a reason. I love this. 

Well Hey There Sunshine

So I was standing in line getting my groceries rung up at Palace Market today, and it came up to something like $75. Remember back about four months ago when I was counting change to see if I could buy food that day and going without so that I could afford something else almost more important? Yeah. Me too. So I handed the guy my card, calculating in my head how much I had in my bank account, which was, decidedly, on the right side of more than enough.

I got in my co-worker's car, and sat in silence most of the way home. My first thought was that in two pay periods I will have ten times the money I've had in my bank account at any one time in the last 29 years of my life. My second thought was a little bit of a tear jerking blast of pure gratitude. My life is, for the first time, full of abundance. And not fleeting abundance, but true, steady abundance. Anyone who says money can't buy happiness, has obviously never lived in poverty, because when you work your ass off and still can't pay all your bills, there's no time for feeding yourself well and no money to buy clothes that look good, no room for joy because the stress of making it day to day trumps out any other emotion.

Thinking all of this I stopped, and I said a little gratitude prayer:

Dear universe, Please don't let me forget what it felt like to be poor so that when my bank account has more money than I need I can be generous. Please don't let me forget what it felt like to be homeless and hungry, so that now, when I have a roof over my head and food in my belly, I remember to share it. Please let me remember illness, so that when I am as healthy as I am now, I remember that life is a precious thing, that public health care kept me alive, and that every struggle, every surgery, every scar, attachment, modification, and curve of my body is precious, a source of strength, and the reason I am still alive today. Please let me remember how hard, heart breaking, lonely, joyful and fun being single can be, so that when the right person comes along, I will carry with me the joy and the fun, leave the rest behind, and never take them for granted. Thank you for this abundance.

Six months ago I couldn't have dreamed this level of good in my life was even possible. Still soaking it up.

One Word For The Year 2012

It's 1:18 in the morning, after my Monday, and I have three more days to go. My Tuesday is going to be a 14 hour day. I should be asleep.

Problem is, I'm a night person. I do all my best thinking after work.

Brene Brown is a hero of mine. She set upon me a challenge in a recent blog post: Choose one word for the year. Unknowingly, last year I had chosen Vulnerable, like I have done for years. Vulnerable is a hard lesson to learn for someone like me, and no doubt, it's a life long challenge.

But this year is different. This year I decided to go with something else. For the first time in a long time, in fact, maybe as long as I can remember, I am healthy, and more importantly happy, and was through the entire holiday season. This is not the norm. It started in November. And This year, I went into New Year's with an attitude of peace, and joy, and love, and happiness.

When I read the post by Brene, and subsequent posts by some other people, I decided I needed to figure out what my word was. I've tossed around a few, and I think "happy" is really MY word for this year. I've already had to make a couple of really hard decisions, that are pretty hard to stick to considering my free and impulsive nature, but the thing is, those choices were based on what was going to make me happy, not in the moment, but in the long run. And the universe is conspiring to keep those decisions solid. I can't argue with that. I mean, it's pretty hard to fight the universe.

So what does happy mean for me? Well, I think it means taking care of myself. Doing things as if I deserve the things I want (Note: Deserving something is different than feeling entitled to it.). It means being brutally honest with people about who I am, what I want, what I like, what I can offer, what I can't, and what I don't like. It means being ok with it when I trip, or when I pause, or when I take a step or two backwards. It means being courageous in certain ways I'm not used to. It means being patient in ways I'm not used to. It means admitting how bad I am at certain things, to myself and others, laughing about it, and continuing to try in spite of it. (It's funny how certain friends can encourage you in ways they don't even realize. I have a friend who's been saying "We're real bad at this" for the last few months in a joking way, but still kind of serious. It makes it easier to admit it when it's true.) I've always been so good at loving the awkwardness and missteps of other people, or loving them through their awkward and graceless moments, and yet I've always been so hard on myself for the same things. I want to love my missteps, trip ups, and awkwardness as much as I love other people's. I think that is key to my happiness.

Big important thing about happiness: It means setting boundaries that are good for me, and adhering to them.

So many things are tied up in this thing with boundaries: boundaries with my money (now that I have it, I'm prone to giving it away) boundaries with my time, my energy, my heart. I'm very intentionally making choices that are basically forcing me to be conscious about these things. Tonight I'm obviously violating a boundary with my time and energy by staying up far too late to write this, but it's been on my mind all day.

The final thing about this post: Last year I read a book that helped me tremendously in my vulnerability quest, and it was given to me by a friend. It made me cry. Hard. And it expanded my world and my wisdom. This year I have a book I need to read to. It's called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Ruben. I've been avoiding it like the plague since I heard about it. I can't really tell you why, but I think it's time. It's sitting on the shelf in the staff housing. I start reading it in the afternoon. I'm nervous, and I'm not going to lie, I'm still resisting it a little. I'll do a full book report when I'm done. Ok, maybe just a quick summary. And with that, the rain has stopped and I must go sleep.

Spirit Things

As the old saying goes: When it rains it pours and it's raining down cold and hard out here at Point Reyes today. We had a big group of Boy Scouts that basically took over the whole place, and they were super adorable in the way that well behaved gangly teenagers are really fun to watch be excited about things. Talked to a guest for a while about why I left the hectic life of the city and sales and marketing, and what he does out in Silicon Valley, after having spent a life traveling and being relatively outdoorsy. As a matter of fact, he actually is starting up a pretty cool website for families who want an online guide for outdoor centered travel with kids, called Let's Go Exploring. He also runs workshops and does reviews of pretty cool places that are family friendly and makes some pretty great kids packs. He goes by Glyph Guy. We'll let him keep that trail name. :)



My best bay friend was up visiting last night. We had a day of excellent food and great conversation, as always. She was a little off put by my window sill decorations. Mostly it's sticks and driftwood and rocks I've picked up from around the beaches here and other places I've been in the last few months, but there are some bones, particularly, a skull and a couple of feathers of a cormorant bird, a deer spine, a sand dollar, some pieces of mussel and abalone shells, vertebrae of a seal, and a bird femur. She asked me why I had them, and I told her they were my "Spirit Things". You know, because I live in nature and stuff. At some point she asked me what kinds of dreams they were sending me. I'm not very superstitious or fruity, I don't think, and so I told her they weren't those kinds of spirit things. I do like having them around though. Maybe it's that they make me feel more grounded or connected to something larger than myself. I don't know. And then I had a dream last night that was pretty vivid and kind of related to my spirit things. Ah the power of suggestion.

Quotes of 2011

"Riffle Rabble!" (Said to Matty, as I woke up, in a tent, in Yosemite, in May)

"Sometimes a bridge is just a highway in disguise." (A joke off of a joke)

"This too shall pass."

"We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us." Charles Bukowski

"The Laughing Heart" by Charles Bukowski. I mean the whole poem.

"I shall have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love, love, love, above all. Love as there has never been in a play. Unbiddable, ungovernable, like a riot in the heart and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture." —Tom Stoppard

"#11. Destruction is a variant of done." The Cult of Done Manifesto

‘Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket to protect you.’ --Hafiz

"When I say it's you I like, I'm talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed." - Fred Rogers

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." —Gilda Radner, 'Delicious Ambiguity'

"Remember, remember always that all of us, and you and I especially, are descended from immigrants and revolutionaries." Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes." Walt Whitman

Yeah Girl. Get It.

So, I'm such an incredible bike nerd, and Hark, A Vagrant, which is one of my favorite webcomics of all time, has posted this awesomeness for the new year.

I'm shamelessly stealing all of her links, because I love them. Indeed Kate, there is nothing better than cartoons. Especially ones about bikes, and even better, ones about ladies rebelling by riding bikes. Thank you for 331, it's officially my favorite, though that one with the duck saying "Aw Yiss, some mothafuckin' bread crumbs" is still pretty good. 

Also, free books on Google! Velocipede book for free especially? Especially. Punctuation issues today. Too much excitement.

I picked it.

Grateful party!

1. Bike Party party stops. Where the masses accumulate, get off their bikes, and dance.
2. Good friends who make me laugh and let me borrow bikes and sleep on their couches and cook me breakfast with short notice.
3. Confidence returning full force, all that heart stuff I worked so hard for, for so long, that I thought was ruined, and realizing that it will come back if I misplace it again. I still have moments (who doesn't?) but nothing even remotely near the panic I was having last year.
4. Knowing what I want, and what I can offer in return.
5. Creating my year. It's been interesting to watch things forming around my set intentions.
6. Joy, mine and yours. Knowing it's all over my face by the smiles reflected back at me everywhere I go.
7. Money in my bank, and thus, bills getting paid with far less stress and worry than at just about any point in the past twelve years.
8. Webcomics. Particularly: Exploding Dog, XKCD, Dinosaur Comics, and Hark A Vagrant. So funny all the time, but even more so when I'm happy. 
9. Men who smile and wave at me from canopies of big trees early in the morning. (Ok, this only happened once, but it was still great and I'm still stoked that it happened.)
10. Sunburnt hair

Fun. I've heard that before.

So I had an encounter recently, a kind of heart to heart with someone. I'm calling it a heart to heart because I exposed certain parts of who I am to this person, as a bit of a personal push to be more honest with myself and others this year. To admit to my own insecurities and to own my own brilliance. It felt good to connect.

I've been joking with people about it though, because if a dog could bark up a wrong tree, this tree would be the wrong one for me.

This heart to heart was important for a few reasons. Sometimes you heal through physical action, sometimes you readjust due to a conversation you have.

The conversation has taken a lot of turns. I'm interested and curious about this person.

I think if I could assign one word for this person's philosophy on life this year it could be summed up by the word "Fun". Since I met them I have been resisting this idea of fun, due to the fear of my own anxiety issues and some other things. But I'm thinking about it hard. And I get it. Easy. Fun. Spending time with someone you like and laugh a lot with, flirting, making out, getting laid on a regular basis. Fun. Fun is good. I like fun.

And here's the thing: I've never approached a relationship from the fun angle. I'm a fun person. So why not? Fun. Relaxed. Anxiety free. Right. Right. Ok. Learning new things. Add it to the goals of the year. I better go burn one for the intention pile.

Update:

After frantically searching for friends to talk about this with, I ended up making a facebook post to get some perspective from the masses. What ensued was an amazing conversation that shed a lot of light on a lot of different things for me.

I've been trying to reread it when I have a minute, because it's a lot to absorb, and it's the kind of conversation that afterwards leaves you with warm fuzzies because it just makes things seem really clear.

I'm going to try to summarize it, because it spanned the whole gammut of sex/relationship talk, from what fun means in a relationship and how it applies, to STDs, to polyamorous relationships. There was also a really interesting factor in the conversation, in that most of the participants were male. A few women posted comments, as did I, but it was really just interesting to watch the men interact with each other on the topic of what a relationship defined as "fun" was. It opened this whole can of worms.

We all basically agreed that relationships should be fun. What that means to people obviously differs according to preference, conditioning, and experience, thus knowing yourself and what you like out of a relationship is essential, and those things are up for challenge, growth, and evolution as you go along. Bottom line, if you are getting what you want out of a relationship, it's fun. Know what you want. Keep communication lines open, and be honest about what you want and how you feel. For me specifically, make sure you take the space and time you need to work things out and get to where you know what you want. Sometimes it takes a long time. That's ok. Verbalize feelings, expectations, needs, and wants. Don't hold so fast to desires, expectations, and projected outcomes, so that you can be open to what is going on in the relationship in the moment, be willing to experiment, be willing to get hurt, and expect to grow. Talk a lot. Kiss a lot. Have good sex, a lot...or as much as you like. Personally I like to go with: find someone who likes to have sex as much as you do, and then get good at it with each other.

Optimism, hope, joy, fun. Yeah. I can get on that train this year. 

2011

So many ways to start this post. 2011 was a rough one, no doubt, and usually when I have a tough year, the New Year is more about reflection and recovery, and less about celebration and joy.

I haven't actually given 2011 much reflection. In my mind it almost doesn't deserve the attention. That's not really fair, since a lot happened this year. As I've been watching the social media stream of people's celebrations of the New Year, it seems like everyone had things to celebrate, let go of, and struggle through this past year. I get the impression that 2011 was tough for a lot of people.

I'm not very good at short stories. And 2011 felt like an epic chapter of my life. It was a year where the resolution I always make: "Become more vulnerable", took turns I was not expecting and at times brought me to my knees with pain and pure terror. Sometimes, becoming more vulnerable hurts like a mother fucker.

I was homeless twice, and thus learned how to become ok with asking for and receiving help, affection, and space. I learned how much I am truly loved by more people then I imagined. I also learned who my true friends were, and learned to let go of the ones who made my hard times harder, rather than trying to support me.

This year I learned how to take care of myself emotionally. I completed the breakdown that began in late 2010, suffering physical pain, depression, stage fright, and panic attacks. I stopped singing and playing guitar for a long time. I learned to ride the panic attacks out, to be aware of what they were and allow the shaking to happen, and then to get up and go face what triggered them with all the awkwardness, grace, courage and laughter I could muster. I learned to recognize them, and I learned to talk about them to people who wouldn't judge me for them.

I found a therapist that taught me some new ways of processing my pain, and a new awareness of my body. I quit therapy in favor of travel, which turned out to help me more.

I ate a lot of 1 dollar grateful bowls at whole foods.

I struggled with staying, in a city I didn't want to be in, in a job that isolated me, with co-workers who wouldn't communicate, working with a product I loved, and a person who I loved but couldn't connect with. There was some healing that happened there, and it was enough. 

I lived in one of the most positive, honest, caring houses I've ever lived in, and learned how to cook a bit better in the process.

I completed two of the biggest projects of my life, passing on leadership to people who I trust and continue to mentor.

I finally got away from marketing and sales. Sometimes I miss it. Not very often though.

I finally saw Big Sur. I would have stayed forever.

I gave up on Tahoe.

I found a job that fit me, in Point Reyes, close enough to travel to Oakland, surrounded by trees and animals, far enough to remove myself from the things that were overwhelming me: Too much noise, too much violence, too many people. Now, when I go back, it is a happy kind of thing, rather than a stressful kind of thing, and feeling less attached to Oakland, I've spent more time in the City than I have in the past. It also helps that I have money to spend.

I was arrested the night Oakland took over the ports for the first time. I was sitting on the ground, holding a stranger's hand. I came to stop fires and talk people out of throwing rocks. I was told by my arresting officer that if I did not put my face on the ground I would be hit until I did. I was not resisting him. I find riot police to be terrifying, tear gas to be painful, prison to be heartbreaking, and non-lethal weapons horrifying. The occupy movement gives me hope, but also causes me anxiety. When I hear riot police are present, I want to throw up. If I go to another protest, I fear my anger at being threatened will over ride my ability to see police as human beings.

I quit looking for romantic love. Not just in all the wrong places, but pretty much entirely. I am so loved by my friends, I truly enjoy my own company, and I've grown to respect myself in a way that I never have before, and all of that only makes me feel more independent, less needful.

I am powerfully content. I am deeply happy. If this is peace, I will soak it up and store it in my bones.

Being here washes all the noise away. I have a frog who serenades me at night. He has yet to tell me his name. I leave the window open and listen to the tree outside, the birds singing their songs, and I wake up with the sun. I stand on hilltops and enjoy the view. I climb rocks and trees, I scream into the ocean, and then I scream out of it, I run in the sand, I listen to the sound my feet make, I pick up rocks worn by the waves and sticks covered in moss, I find caves to sit in, and I follow deer trails through the brush and along the cliffs.

To ring in the new year, I invited friends to come out and celebrate with me. They came with food and laughter and their love for each other and for me. We had a bonfire on the beach, where we burned and let go of the worst  of 2011, and set our intentions for 2012 on fire. We hummed Auld Lang Syne because we didn't know the words. We watched the moon set in bright red. It was the best New Year I've had in a long time. Maybe not the wildest, but definitely the best. 

My life is beautiful. My work is enough. My own company is enough. I have just enough things. I have more housing then I know what to do with. I have enough even to have a little extra to share. Welcome to 2012. Este sera mi ano.